It's kinda like this...

If you allow me to rant and rave for a bit....

2006-09-04T05:53:00.000-07:00

...you may find out that what I have to say ain't sh*t.
But if you eff up and stick around for awhile
you'll get hooked and realize that you like my style."

Being in love isn't easy. Being out of love sucks even worse. I am waiting around anxiously for someone to pen "The Idiot's Guide to Understanding Women." Whether the author is a male or female makes no difference to me. I would lean towards the male author though, if not for the fact that I feel the female wouldn't totally betray her girls like that. Besides, I really think women like not being understood. It's all part of the game with them. I just wanna be able to understand that "if I do this, then this will happen." I have some of it down, and if you are reading this and you are actually thinking about stepping up and blessing the world with your offering, then I will send you some of my inputs.
I do know that I like having female friends around. Well, not when I am in a bind and about to fight at the club. I mean, I don't want them to go run and get help while I am getting stomped by dudes wif size 14 timbs and everything, but I do like having them around just so I can observe them. You know, sorta like a control group in an experiment. Don't get me wrong, they are friends in every sense of the word. Right now it's Princess and it was Ghetto before her. Both are my aces. Ghetto, I woulda took into a fight with me, while Princess is more like, well...a princess and she might throw something at my assailant but I don't think she will jump on the nikka's back or anything. She is so much like me that it's scary. I can't put anything past her and that's kinda cool because she keeps me on my toes. Pretty intelligent, yet laid the hell back. Yeah, that's me. You'd figure we'd argue more often but that isn't the case. As a matter of fact, she is the only one who just about physically placed one of her friends in my bed!!!! None of the others have done that!!!! They treated me like a brother and refused to let me get with their friends. But you, Princess, you get mad points for that. Regardless of the mileage on that chick, that was love and I gots you. LMMFAO....whew.

*chuckin' da deuce at the princess*

Anyway, I like observing them in everyday life. The only problem with that is when they get pissed off you have to deal with the attitudes and everything just like you were in a relationship with them. You gotta do all the ass kissing to make up and stuff and that would be the only downfall. For instance, Ghetto and I have been friends since '99. She woulda done anything for me and ditto for her. We argued and everything. I don't know how it usually came about but it was probably all her fault. I put up with it and I would be the first one to call and reach out. She was always waiting on me to do that. I was probably one of two dudes that could really get through her tough skin.

Well, when I had gotten into a relationship with a woman I ended being with for 3 yrs, she was still a big part of my life. I mean, it was hard dealing with two women, only one of which I was intimate with, when they both had attitudes towards me. The one always used to wonder why I let Ghetto bother me and why when her and I were at odds, that I would be real pissed off about it. I guess she figured that she should be the only female in my life that could piss me off that way and really get to me. She assumed that we were an item at one time and probably thought that I still liked her or something. That wasn't the case. I mean Ghetto was attractive, but nothing happened between us. Anyway, those three years were rough for me...and disappointing.
Girl friend + Home girl did not = Menage a trois

I'm trippin'....lightweight trippin, anyway. Moving on, just from those three women I just mentioned, I have learned a lot. All have made my life more interesting, while elevating my stress level during the whole process. I wouldn't trade it, but none of them chicks came with manuals!!!!!!
Someone needs to get hot on this and I mean right now!!!!!! There is a fortune to be made and it's right in front of our faces, day in and day out!!!!

Pilot to bombadier...open bomb bay doors...

2006-09-04T05:49:00.000-07:00

Communication.
Now, that's important whether you are in a combat zone or in a committed relationship ( I know, what's the f*ckin' difference between the two?). The thing that I want to bring out is that without communications things can get effed up real quick.
Picture, if you will, a man with a grenade in a combat unit. As he throws it, he has to yell something. Why? So his comrades in arms are aware of the situation and stay out of harm's way.
A lumberjack in the woods after choppin' down a tree. "Timber!!!!" Why?
A golfer, after he tees off and notices the golf ball's flight pattern might be a danger to people yells, "Fore!!"
Those are all warnings, huh? Still a form of communication, but basically simple warnings that let people know what's going on, and allows them to respond accordingly. Now imagine you are in a relationship. You both are hanging in there but you don't know what the hell it really is? Is it exclusive? How much does she really care? Where is this going? Well, maybe I should stick it out until the answer reveals itself? Now these aren't questions that I ask. I, personally, like to get down to the bottom of it if I really am interested. I used to be that way though. I also had a Stretch Armstrong and a GI Joe wif a Kung Fu grip, but I packed all of those, punkishness included, into a box and put them away for good when I got older.

The reason I brought this up is because I have a friend, a pretty good friend for the most part, that is going through this with his girl. He likes her but is afraid to tell her about it because he pretty much holds his feelings in and because he doesn't want to be embarrased. Now, how does this work? You wouldn't want to go to work everyday and not really have a job would you? Yeah, you get paid, but if you didn't officially get hired you would be worried about your status and job security, right? Yeah it would never happen, but think about it. All the benefits, but no security. Now back to my homeboy. How do you get... f*ck...how do you even KEEP, a woman without being able to talk to her?!!?! Shyt, I have been in relationships where I HAD to talk about something every single day. I even had to read books together out loud. Yeah, and this punk can't even reach out an express himself to even get her. After you get her believe me, she will force you to talk to her. If your communication skills are subpar she will help you work on 'em. Either that or she will open her bombay doors and shyt all over you.

My message to you is find answers to the questions that you have. Not from your boys, or your home girls, either. Put down your shield and TALK to the only person who has the answers that you are seeking...the pilot. She obviously has the flight plans. If not, then make your own together...or...not.

Drunk again for the last time.

2006-08-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

I think I'm gonna have to let this drinking thing go.

Drinking for 12 hours just ain't what it used to be. I thought I could run wif the big dawgs but I guess I need to stay my ass on the porch and make sure the old man in the rockin' chair doesn't smash my freakin' tail.

I have officially reached punk status when it comes to drinking. Gone are the days of waking up, grabbing a 40 and commencing to drink my weight in alcohol. Its cool though. Even low calorie beer, when drinking barrels of it, becomes bad for you.

Friends came over. We drank Crown. She had it with Coke, I had it with ice. One and a half bottles down, coupled wif the low calorie beer of choice, Bud Light.

We head out to the club. I continue wif the Crown on the rocks. A few hours later I felt like I got hit with a bag of rocks and my homey J has to carry me out the club.

Yeah, that's not too cool to have happen to you at my age. I think that I might be banned from that club. I don't know what I did, or who I might've pissed off so I am watching my back even when I go to the gas station. Hell, the grocery store too.

Nothing like getting your ass whupped in aisle 10 by the frozen foods and having security break it up in aisle 1 as we are choking the hell outta each other with makeshift ropes made outta Twizzlers.

(Kinda cleaning up the language. Moms reads my blogs now)

"SAY I", boosted this one from Nsane who got it from Teej...

2006-08-04T03:33:00.000-07:00

I am not: like your last man. For some reason he's not here, but I am.

I hurt: when nobody else can understand me.

I think: too much. I try to understand both sides of all arguments. Good debaters do that, though.

I hate: selfish people who take more than they ever care to give.

I cry: when all else fails. Last time was my Grandmother's funeral.

I care: about those who are gracious and loving enough to care about others.

I feel alone: when nobody can see the world the way I do.

I listen: to everything. I spend most of my life observing people and listening is a BIG part of it.

I hide: when there is a problem that I can't fix. I need to stop that.

I drive: better than everyone else.

I sing: whenever the alcohol or the shower compels me to do so.

I dance: to the beat of a different drum.

I write: to free myself. Creativity is a wonderful thing when you can harness it.

I breathe: in order to survive.

I miss: all those who I have ever called a "friend" in my life.

I say: damn what tomorrow may bring, I'm doing okay right now.

I feel: sad and dejected for not getting promoted today, but I feel the anger welling up inside.

I succeed: only when challenged.

I fail: often enough to appreciate what succeeding is like.

I dream: often

I sleep: sporadically.

I wonder: why falling in love isn't as hard as staying in it.

I want: knowledge.

I worry: about my family.

I give: expecting something short of nothing in return.

I fight: if prompted.

I wait: longer then I care to.

I stay: in the thick of it. Can't be left behind.

I am: a fool. Smarter than you would care to believe, but a court jester, nonetheless.

Favorites

2006-08-03T01:39:00.001-07:00

An ex-girlfriend sent this book entitled "All About Me." On the front it says, "A unique question and answer book about the story of your life." Why she sent it to me, I don't know. Does she think that I am going to die soon and needed to write down some things so that people who find the book can know intimate things about my life as it was? That sounds kinda morbid, huh? Either way, I thought that I would share some of them with you since I can't think of anything else to write about. Feel free to copy and post on your page if you like.

A color you like to wear?
Black. I don't know why, but that is my favorite color to wear. I know, it lacks depth but...well there it is.

Regardless of size or circumstance, an animal you would like to own as a pet?
A tiger. I just think that would be the shyt to sit in my living room entertaining people and to watch as their eyes get big as hell when my pet Tiger "Chewie" just calmly prances to and fro in the back yard.

Your lucky number? 2

A city you would like to visit? Any major city in Australia. I'm telling you, the Aussie females are very friendly. VERY FRIENDLY!!!!

Your favorite meal? Steak and garlic mashed potatoes.

The film you would watch over and over? Three way tie. Four Brothers, The Long Kiss Goodnight and Gladiator.

An actor whose perfomances you admire: Delroy Lindo. I don't think that he gets enough props. He needs to do more work. The man has range. Of course I like Sam Jackson, Robert DeNiro, William H Macy and overacting ass Al Pacino, but Delroy is often slept on.

Your motto: “You gotta build a couple of bridges to be known as a bridge builder,but if you f*ck one chicken...your a chickenf*cker the rest of your life!”

Your cologne or perfume: Game by Cool Water, Armani Black Code

On your wall hangs: The picture of Muhammad Ali knocking down Sonny Liston in the first minute of the first round of their second fight. Classic pose.

Most expensive possession: Beside my truck, my $3500 White and Yellow gold Chain/Cross around my neck.

Material possessions are: Insignificant to me. It's the lessons learned that I value the most. But if you try to take mine, I'm Donkey Kongin' the hell outta you.

Three things you would save if your house was burning: My wallet, My diamond earring, and one set of clothes to wear. Damn everything else. I know I said material things were insignificant but damn that. That shyt was expensive man!!!

The appropriate age for having sex: Whenever you are able to deal with the consequences.

As an adult have you ever hit a woman? Nope, but my sister caught a bad one when we were little. F*ck that. She used to kick my ass. Don't judge me, you didn't know my pain!!!!

The minimum punishment for those who rape should be: They shouldn't serve any time behind bars. Shyt's crowded as it is. Just cut their dick off and send them right back out the next day with a week's worth of gauze and two painkillers.

The minimum punishment for those who molest children should be: Death, or something like it.

Your opinion of the military: A great place to learn discipline and a good place to get a bearing on where you really want to go, especially if you need money for college. Not preferred by me after doing it, unless you come in as an officer. They pay for your school and you just owe them time.

Your opinion of the draft: Don't agree with it. If you don't want to join, then don't. Just try not to have an opinion on the war and what the people that are fighting in it, especially if it's for a good cause, are doing.

The farthest place you would travel to be with someone you desire? Florida

The farthest place you have traveled to be with someone you desire? Florida

What you dislike most about having a committed relationship: Freedom and trust. Those are two things that there just isn't enough of to go around.

What you enjoy most about having a committed relationship: Ass at the ready. Nothing like rolling over and...well, you know. Oh, and the bond and overall companionship that comes with it. Yeah.

An unfulfilled sexual fantasy: An orgy with Salma Hayek, Roselyn Sanchez, Halle, and K.D. Aubert. I'll keep you posted on my progress with that. Right now I'm not even out the gate.

If you had more time alone: I would be subject to go crazy.

The Nicotine Chronicles- Day 154

2006-07-30T14:32:00.000-07:00

I can definitely taste the food a lot better. I still haven't figured out if that goes in the plus column or not. Constantly itching and fidgeting around like the drug that I'm trying to kick is Crack Cocaine instead of what's normally found in cigarettes. The road to recovery is long and winding and I'm already getting dizzy. This is my story...

It's almost over!!! I am coming around the mountain on this deployment thing and will be home very soon!!!! Yeah, I may have toked (is that actually a word?) on a cigarette once or twice, but they are behind me now. I can honestly say that my cigarette smoking days are over. No longer am I a slave to the nicotine and other harsh additives found in those little cancer sticks!!!!! I have moved on....to these:

Yep. I've done it now. I think I have transferred my addiction over to these muhfuckahs. What the hell was I thinking? While I don't inhale these, I still get a little buzz when toking (there goes that word again in a different tense, though) on 'em. I have to admit that these things, coupled with a glass of Scotch, Cognac, or your liquor of choice I guess, can just put me in a real state of tranquillity. I mean, I used to wonder why they had, or what the very purpose of a cigar bar was, until I went into one overseas. Man, that's where it's at!! You get you a glass of yak, a smoke, and then just chill with some friends while listening to live jazz that is usually being performed by an aspiring American duo that didn't really make it big in the States but is seeing moderate success covering other people's music over here. I can't hate, shyt, they love 'em. When she asked for requests though, I have to admit that my boys and me were upset that she couldn't sing Anita Baker's "Sweet Love." I was hoping that it was because she didn't have the range whether than her not knowing it. Never really found out though.

I was just in the mood to hear it. I remember when the album came out, my Mom, and her boyfriend at the time, were both in love with it and played the tape on a road trip all the way from Chicago to Ashtabula, Ohio to visit my grandmother. That shyt was killing me and my sister. She had a Walkman but I was stuck, and shyt outta luck. Everytime I woke up I was hearing the same song. Soon Nicole's batteries ran out and she was subjected to the shyt like I was. We were thinking "Twilight Zone" and shyt and were about to ditch they ass at the next Rest Stop until... Well, let me get back on the subject though.

We were at a club in Singapore and one of my boys overheard this fine ass female say, "I love the smell of a good Cohiba." So wanting to be down with the Jones', he orders our drinks and two Cohibas. When the bartender told him the price was $125 he managed to get out a not too subtle "What the f*ck?" before losing consciousness. I don't know if this was his plan, but I doused his ass with water and waited until the nikka came to because...well, I wasn't about to pay for it.

Che Guevara
(No, I don't support Communists)

Anyway, I may have screwed myself because with the cost of gas in Hawaii at $3.40-3.60/gal and these damn cigars going at $35-45 a pop...well it looks like I will be car pooling. I know, but I gotta have these shyts. Look at the advertisement and tell me this wouldn't make you at least want to try one.

"Wow. Now this is a beautiful Cuban Cigar. When you look at the broad selection of cuban cigars, regardless of factory or brand, nothing compares to a beautiful Belicoso. The gentle taper, the massive foot, the deep chocolately wrapper all scream "Bring on the fire!!". Nestled in the box, they look like missles of satifaction in the war machine of desire. (Calm down, J. I think they are still talking about cigars, not...nevermind.) The aroma? Imagine a leather box, full of cinnamon and chocolate, drizzled with Cognac and a touch of orange zest. Then add one part musk and one part jealousy and you have half of how good these smell."

I know, right!!! So, ummm...who's driving on Monday?

What in THE Hell ever Happened to....Camp Lo???

2006-07-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

Artist: Camp Lo
Claim to Fame: Rap Group (circa 1996)
Biggest Hit: This Is It
Last Hit: This Is It
Impact: Though they didn't spawn the word "Luchini", this group helped put it in people's mouths for at least 2-3 months.

Because I didn't really wanna do the research, I got the bio off of Yahoo Music. Please forgive me.

"Camp Lo is a rap group from the Bronx who melds hip-hop with jazz sensibilities and funk. After having a hit single, "Coolie High," from The Great White Hype soundtrack in early 1996, they released their debut album, Uptown Saturday Night, in February of 1997. The album was reissued two years later on Arista Records, and a second album (Let's Do It Again) finally appeared in 2002. ~ Stephen Thomas Erlewine, All Music Guide"

Now I am not the foremost export on Hip Hop/Rap or any kind of music or whatever, but I have had the unfortunate pleasure of smelling farts that lasted longer. I have to admit that I was feeling "This is it"....

This is it (What?!)
Luchini pourin' from the sky Lets get rich (What?!)
The cheeky vines
The sugar dimes
Cant quit (What?!)
Now pop the cork and scream the vigga
And get lit (What?! What?! What?!)

Yeah, that intro, along with the horns, were what did it for me. Aside from that...ummmm...nothing. According to the bio they rereleased the CD in 1999. Didn't notice. Funny that the title for the last CD was "Let's Do It Again". I think not. If it sucked the first time, AND was rereleased, then why do it again.

Kinda like that first time when you slept with that female you had been wanting to hit and you turned in a less than stellar performance. Yeah, and you spent the rest of the weekend wondering why she didn't return your many phone calls. LOL. Yeah....ummmm...anyone ever go through that????
(Clearing throat)
Ahem...ummm...me neither. Movin' on...

So what lesson can we take away from that?????

Subpar winky action ~ no call backs : one hit debut CD ~ sophomore CD sales

I think that was an actual correct answer on the SATs.

Ballin' outta control!!!! Help!!!

2006-07-15T23:54:00.000-07:00

The fountain in this pic holds no significant meaning to how we be gettin' down in these foreign ports. Not really....

Singapore. Beautiful country, beautiful women. Enuff said. I told J that we were international with it and I'm not lying. Hopefully we can see some of the country this time.

Yeah, I think for the most part, we spoil ourselves when we are out here on deployment. I mean, we stay at expensive hotels like the Hilton, The Grand this, The Royal that. All of them 4 1/2 stars and up. We do things that we normally wouldn't dream of doing in the States. I mean, if I'm traveling and I'm in your neighborhood I might ask you to hold me down for a night or two. That, or at least sleep at a Super 8 for $40.00 dollars a night. But we do things that we wouldn't even dream of doing back home. I mean, who spends 225 dollars a day at the Hilton in Sydney, Australia? 180 a night in Singapore? Anyone???

WE DO, THAT'S WHO!!!!

We tried to take it down a notch but soon realized....THAT SUCKS!!!
Like my boy GP, for instance, whose toenails coincidentally look like eagle talons, would treat himself to a pedicure and a manicure. Hey, to each, his own. I've had one before....a manicure, that is.
As I walked up on him, I coulda swore that ol' girl hookin' him up had a face shield on when she was sanding down the corns and nails on his claws. Me, being the only expert on the scene with any electrical background, had to explain to them in great detail why the lights were flickerin' on an off throughout the whole ordeal.

But hey, sometimes it's cool to lose yourself. Unfortunately, that also involves handing over 500 stones for a two night stay in a lavish hotel, rubbing elbows with international biznessmen makin' them feel uncomfortable as hell as I ask them, while in the executive lounge draped from head to toe in my University of Illinois BBall gear, wearing flip flops and ankle socks, two fistin' alcoholic beverages because we only have 20 more minutes of free drinks, "Could you please pass the Grey Poupon? Yeah, you Mr. O'Henry. You were here last night. Same drill, gawt dammit!!!!"

Horatio "Huggy" Washington

International Player#: 176893453
Member since: 1992
Expiration date: Armageddon

What in THE Hell Ever Happened To...DAS EFX????

2006-07-01T19:56:00.000-07:00

Das EFX

Krazy Drazyz (Andre Weston) and Skoob (Willie Hines) met at Virginia State University in 1988. Both were raised in New York and were at V State majoring in English, I believe. The developed a crazy ass style where most of their rhymes had several made up words ending in "-iggity." This latest craze caught hip hop off guard, but it was quickly embraced by the fans. Das EFX caught their big break when they performed at a talent show judged by EPMD. Though they didn't win, EPMD was impressed enough to offer them a deal, and the duo became part of the Def Squad crew of protégés. I think these niggas lost to Vanilla Ice or somethin' like that. Movin' on...

Upon its release in 1992, Dead Serious caused an immediate sensation, and is still considered something of a landmark in hip-hop circles. The first single, the instantly memorable signature song "They Want EFX," was a Top 40 pop hit and a Top Ten R&B hit, and helped push sales of Dead Serious past the platinum mark. Wary of being pigeonholed by repeating themselves, the duo slowed down their lyrical flow and downplayed the surrealistic side of their interplay on the follow-up album, 1993's Straight Up Sewaside, which went gold. Around the time of 1995's disappointing Hold It Down, which probably went Sterling Silver, they were forgot about. Well, by me at least. The following is the song that introduced them to the fans of Hip Hop worldwide. "They want EFX", is the title as well as the only song they have that I like. I could've sworn one of them were in the group "Poor Righteous Teachers" but I'm probably wrong. Ha. I remember when my boys used to insert the first line of this song whenever someone asked them a question or something. Kinda like...

"Hey man, what you about to get into?"
"I don't know. I was thinking of calling Renee' over to the house so I can 'Bum stiggedy bum stiggedy bum hon...'"

Yeah, hard to believe we were corny like that once. Anyway, wifout further adieu, here are some lyrics that I bet you have long forgot about.

THEY WANT EFX

Bum stiggedy bum stiggedy bum hon I got the old pa rum pum pum pum
But I can fe fi fo fum diddly bum here I come
So Peter Piper I'm hyper than Pinochio's nose
I'm the supercalafragilistic tic tac pro
I gave my oopsy daisy now you've got the crazy
Crazy with the books Googley goo where's the gravy
So one two unbuckle my um shoe
Yabba Doo hippity hoo crack a brew
So trick or treat smell my feet yup I drippedy-dropped a hit
So books get on your mark and spark that old censorship
Drats and double drats, I smiggedy-smacked some whiz kids
The boogedy-woogedly Brooklyn boy's about to get his, dig
My waist bone's connected to my hip bone
My hip bone's connected to my thigh bone
My thigh bone's connected to my knee bone
My knee bone's connected to my hardy-har-har-har
The jibbedy-jabber jaw ja-jabbing at your funny bone, um
Skip the ovaltine, I'd rather have a honeycomb
Or preferably the sesame, Let's spiggedy-spark the blunts, um
Dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun
They want EFX, some live EFX

And with that, I am out like...well...these niggas.

One Small Step for Man....

2006-06-28T10:27:00.000-07:00

Setting: In the Maintenance Office about three weeks ago.

Aiight, so I'm looking online because I am thinking that I need a new set of boots. Some asshole, while cleaning up the berthing (the small sleeping area where they cram 90 muhf*ckahs in like a can of Vienna sausages- wun) throws away one, I repeat, ONE of my boots. Now why would anyone do some evil shyt like that, I don't know.

Sooooo after borrowing a pair from a colleague of mine...I know, I know, not the preferred way to go but we were going to be out to sea for over a month and I needed a pair to wear, I search for some to purchase. I come across these.

Now they look comfortable and I think that I am going to enjoy these because, hey, you gotta look after your feets. I begin to read up on them and the more and more I read I start believing that these are the pair for me. I mean here is what the advertisement says about them.

ETC™ technology controls friction, and preventing moisture and blisters
Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection
Lace to toe Styling
Slip-resistant Vibram outsole
Steel toe and shank
Removeable insole
Meets ANSI Z41 PT99 M1/75 C/75 standards for safety toe

I know what you're thinking. "This cat is a sucker for advertising." Well, you would be right. I was sold. I mean, considering where I was going to be going the "Sympatex membrane for waterproof and bloodborne protection" might have been just what Unca Sam shoulda provided us with all along. I mean, I don't wanna die from any bloodborne agents. And yes, my home that I build will have a bomb shelter. Annnnnnnnnnnd if the other disclosures weren't enough, they go into great detail about the "friction controlled" point of it all. Then, as if they needed anymore visual aids for this fish, who was already reeling from the hook that he just bit down on, they hit me with a picture that looks like this....
Yeah. The one on the left just looks like your feet would be a hell of a lot cooler. I mean I told you that just yesterday that it got up to 105 degrees. I look at the price. "As low as $139.99!"

Well, GAWT DAMN!!!!! I am used to paying only $70 for some steel-toed shoes. Hell these things better massage my toes for that price, shyt!!!! After a little time to think it over, I finally enter my address and credit card information. F*ck it. We were going to be out and I wanted a good pair of boots so I might as well spend the cash, right? Man was I ever wrong about that!!!!

Ten days go by and I am told that I have mail, and that it must be a care package because it was so big. I am excited because I am thinking that finally, FINALLY...that care package that J said that she was going to send had arrived. I rush upstairs like a little ass kid, brushin' pass people, just anxious as hell to open a bag of those pistaccios. When I get there I find a big ass box sitting in the middle of the floor. Thinking this must be it, I head over, pick it up and realize that it is lighter than I would've hoped. I look further and I see that it is in fact the name of the company I bought the boots from. The box is huge!!! I wear a size 14 but damn!!! I open it up and I find myself staring at the biggest set of frickin' moonboots in all of GOD's creation!!!!!!

DAMNNN!, I yelled. People gathered around and all shared in on the moment. The laughs just wouldn't stop coming. I made the mistake and tried them on in front of my guys. I was told that I looked like...

So I'm thinking I am going to break them in and then maybe they would start to looking normal. Well the very next day I am on watch and Khary comes down to chat. After seeing my boots he begins to cut loose. As he's hopping around in the chair very slowly trying to simulate an astronaut, "KAAAAAAHHHH...That's one small step for man..."

105 and rising!!!!!!

2006-06-25T07:18:00.000-07:00

Wheeeewwwwwww!!!!!! It is fuggin' hot ova here!!!!! We have just pulled in port Jebel Ali and it is burning up. I have seen Hell and...well, it's ruled by Arabs. I know! I'm wiggin' the f*ck out too. I see why they are mad as hell!!! I don't know what you have to look forward to over here. Get up in the morning and it's what...95 degrees? Go to work, break for lunch when it's what...102 degrees? Come home, kiss the kids, smack the wife around, water the cactus, and then jump in bed with their "funboys!"* Yeah, that life has to suck.

But these cats do have money over here. That is without question. The place isn't too bad though. Just down the world lies the first 7 Star hotel in the world!!!! I know that to spend one night in it would take up my whole paycheck. And that's just for a twin bed. I wouldn't dare touch the damn mini bar or call for room service. Steal a bath robe in that hotel if you want to. I am sure you would be paying the price of your entire wardrobe to pay it back.

If you have never seen pictures of the hotel then here it is.

They have beautiful places out here. I mean they built a water park. I am sure that there were a lot of insurance companies worried about things like...people falling into boiling pools of water and shyt. To the right of this beautiful hotel they are planning to build a theme park of all theme parks!!!! I don't know...with the money that these cats have I will have to say that if they can think it, then it can be done. With that I would like to tell you that they have an indoor ski resort!!! What the f*ck!!!!

And a couple of blogs ago I was wondering why it costs about $70 per barrel. I guess this is our answer. I tell you what though...when they build a CheeseCake Factory out of real Cheesecake...I'm gonna check myself outta this life, personally!!!!

*funboys- It is common practice for Arabs, at least the ones I and my friends have encountered on our many deployments over here, to impregnate the women and actually walk down the street holding hands with other dudes or their "funboys." This was explained to us by a cab driver. It's awful, really, but if they like spreading that "Manlove"...then by all means, go right ahead. But the women stay covered. No disrespect, I just wanna understand why?

I was informed by a coworker that the women are covered as to not let other men covet another man's wife, or be tempted to do so. I argued with her that the dating game in this society would pretty much suck ass. She agreed.

And me, with no asbestos underwear!

2006-06-18T02:02:00.000-07:00

Okay. I have been put on blast for the last time. People feeling the need to talk to others about things that I do, or shyt I say, or places I've been. Why?

***I know you read this so you do know that I am talking about you. Why would you put your girl through that?***
That was a little personal note for the person responsible for this post. I would've addressed her direct but I don't know her email address. (J, you already know the story so just look at the pictures)

I know I am not Sherlock Holmes but I too have attained the title of Master Sleuth. The trail? Not bread crumbs but more like a landing strip found at your nearest airport.

Now I am usually calm, cool and collected when it comes to handling even the most stressful situations. Like Mace Windu, (Yeah, I referenced Star Wars…forgive me) my powers come from looking for, and finding, the “Shatterpoint” of any situation. The one spot which, even with the slightest touch, can bring anything crashing down to it's knees.

Okay, let me back up before I lose you. Now, I am currently in between relationships. Why? Because I just am, dammit. Nah, I wasn’t dating anyone serious before because I was getting underway for deployment, which I am currently still on. Well that, coupled with the fact that I didn’t want to be bothered when I didn’t want to be bothered, ya dig? Now why go ahead and start dating someone when you know you don’t really know them that well to be holding them for six months to the whole, “I trust you” and “I know you will be there when I get back” type of thing. What makes you think someone else won’t come along and swoop her up? I mean, if you have only been kicking it for little over a month why give someone else six months? It’s not fair to both of you. That and the fact that I don't know you or feel you like that.

Well my problem begins with a friend of mine. Not him directly, but he got me into all this. He started dating a woman who I thought was cool by all conventional means. Well call her Eve. She would call me up on my cell and tell me problems they were having and ask me not to tell him about the conversations. Now, I didn't think that I was betraying him all. I would listen and try to tell her what she should do without underminding anything that was going on with them. So I'm thinking we cool, right?

So she hooks me up with one of her friends. I mean, I had no problem really finding a woman to hang out with if even for a night or two when I seriously needed it, but I guess they felt that I should belong to somebody. The first friend…fine as hell. We hang out a little. Do whatever, but then I find out she was married. Well, I am not going to even get into that right now. That’s another story unto itself. Let’s just say that their credibility was shot from then on. After some effort she tells me that she has someone else she wants me to meet. Feeling a little reluctant, I give in one day. We meet and we hit it off pretty good, I guess. She, well, lets call her...

She's cool. I mean we would hang out over each other's crib, do whatever and be cool about it.
Everything seems to be alright until one day she looks out her window to find the ground covered with...

...feelings!!! And they were still falling from the sky (Okay, so we live in Hawaii and it's a shytty metaphor, but stay with me dammit!!!) So what does she do? She goes outside and decides to catch a few. Meanwhile, on the other side of town, I glance out my window and see...

...not a damn thing!!!! So I continue on and eventually head off on deployment. Well she would send me emails daily flirting with me and such and talking about this and talking about that. We pretty much kept in touch and that was cool until one day she tells me that she is mad at me. I'm tripping because I don't understand how someone could be mad at someone who wasn't even around. I glance at the last couple of emails to see where this might be coming from and then I am hit with this:
"I heard from Eve that she saw you on this dating site hugging three girls. It made me sick!"

I start tripping. I mean, she wrote it with attitude. I wasn't worried about it because we weren't together, but it took me all of one minute before I became furious as hell. First of all, why would Eve, who was trying to hook us up, even do anything like that when she didn't know anything about what was going on in the picture? After all the talks we've had, even though her and ol' boy aren't together, why wouldn't she ask me what was up? Did she want to make sure her friend wasn't happy too? Oh, I forgot to put out that she even told Agent Skully that she wanted to f*ck me at one time. What was that about? Secondly, why bring this BS to me when you know we ain't together like that? Why even approach me with some BS like this? And the pic? The pic she was talking about came from a blog on this site!

Okay, so how did she know about the picture? I will tell you how.
[Putting on the houndstooth deerstalker cap with earflaps. Firing up the pipe]
She was probing through Myspace. After coming across my profile, she decided to click on it. Looking it over, which either happened on the first or second time she came across my page, because not too many people click on everything, she decided to check out the link to my blogs. This, then, brought her to Blogger and my page. Reading my blogs, she came across the picture with my drunk ass hugging the three Aussie females. She made her assumptions. She then called her friend.

Now, what still gets me is why did she feel the need, and Agent Skully told me that she begged for her to see it, to try to start something? Why was she so adamant about showing her??? Did she think that she was messing up something for me? Did she think I cared? I was more pissed off at the fact that they had the nerve to bring it to me like I did something wrong. Did I sleep with ol' girl on the far left? Nope. Would I have if I wasn't as drunk as I was? Hell yeah!!! (If you read the "Who's covering my six?" post, you will see how that jacked up night turned out)

J will tell you that I probably f*cked up more chances with females by being too drunk than the amount of woman I have been with since she's known me. Then again, I do creep a lot. But let's say, case in point..."hot latina/black chick in the red dress"...I think I coulda got her...probably...maybe...okay, focus.

Anyway, I'm just venting. Well, now we aren't as cool as we used to be, Agent Skully and I, but I do thank you for sending me the 3 bottles of Dial shower soap. I still got a present for you too. This tripped me out, but now I do believe it. Triflin' ass chicks???? THEY ARE OUT THERE!!!!

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day 75??? Whatever...Shyt!!!

2006-06-14T04:24:00.000-07:00

"It's unfiltered, yeah, but it's also without additives. That means it's from the earff!!! Yeah, cigars are worse than cigarettes when it comes to second hand smoke but as long as the person smokin' it doesn't inhale...it should be okay. Everyone else can kiss my ass!!! "- Me, no degree...moderate credibility

Here's a "No shyt " quote:

"People smoking as few as one to two cigars per day have much higher risk of oral, lung, and esophageal cancer, and cancer of the larynx, as compared to a non- smoker." - Overpaid genius, American Cancer Society

Get the hell outta here!!! For real???? Was that a space filler or what?

Ahhhhhh...Salma....now that's a space filler. I told you before that I am amorously infatuated with her. Yep....moving on...

I do not inhale cigar smoke. Sure, a little might get in there when I light it up, but that's about it. I know some people who do inhale it. For those that like that shyt, go for it. I don't plan on going back to smoking cigarettes, but for now, I will enjoy these cigars without any remorse or guilt....or a shot of good alcohol, I'm afraid. .

"The blogging experience is about not only putting your thoughts on the web, but hearing back from and connecting with other like-minded folks."- Blogger

I live by this, I swear!!!!

2006-06-12T00:53:00.000-07:00

Sittin' on watch again....

2006-06-10T22:08:00.000-07:00

I'm rambling here. Once again I am bored and now...I guess you have subjected yourself to this...

What does this verse say to you?
-"Cuz when you get inside/you can't change your mind/don't mean to sound impatient/but you gotta promise baby, ohhh..."--Usher on Lover's and Friends.

I smell a date rape. Thrown out are the opportunity for one to change one's mind, leaving said individual to commit to an already discussed order of events, as well as those subject to come up at a moment's notice. Yeah...date rapist. Last line should've been:
Usher: "...don't mean to sound impatient/but I got warrants baby"
Female: "Ohhhhhhhh!!!"

-It's been over 3 months since I've....you know...done the deed. I'm just sayin'...it's depressing. A certain female is gonna catch a bad one when I get back. Anyway, I guess I would feel worse if I weren't on deployment. You know, going home to nobody and getting those funny feelings when watching something on cable, say"Real Sex" on HBO...if you like that. It's kinda weird sometimes to me but anyway... Say you see something that arouses ya, but you have nobody to call? That would... suck, for lack of a better term.
{Shudders} I just hate to think of it. I mean, we have all been there, but it's not a good place and we try not to remember the way back.

= Buddy F*cker

-Cingular seems to have this whole "Customer Avoidance" plan down to a science. I have been trying to get them to suspend my service until I return from deployment for 3 months now. They contend that they cannot suspend it without a fax of my government orders. I don't think it should've gotten to that point. Before the AT&T/Cingular merger, things between me and AT&T were fine. Yeah, they didn't have the best reception on the island but whatever. That is the price you pay for great service. For example, I am going on deployment in '03. I call AT&T up and tell them that I will be leaving the country due to military committments and to please suspend the account until my return. They said "No problem" and that's about it. There wasn't the whole "I need you to fax me a copy of your military orders so that I can verify them. After that we will be able to suspend your military plan until you return from deployment." She said "military a few more times and it pissed me off!!!

"If I am on a military plan, why would it be far fetched to believe that I may be getting deployed?"

The phone was silent.

Finally she uttered, "I don't know what to tell you, sir. Excuse me for a second..." She's gone for maybe 15 seconds and then..."Sir? Yeah, it's just the way it is."

I know what she did. Instead of talking to her manager, she asked the person sitting next to her. Probably too afraid to bug the manager, yet again, with another question that she didn't know the answer to.

I tell her that I didn't have to go through this last time with AT&T. Why is this that much of a problem? Turn my shyt off. She continues to say she can't and that Cingular and AT&T, though they have merged, operate differently regarding these things.

"Well how am I supposed to know that?"

There's silence on the line.

I hang up on her upset knowing that it wasn't her fault. I should've taken care of this earlier like Ace did. Well, not like him because they turned his shyt off the day he called. He had to call them back so that he could have it for the last weekend that we were on the island. It took a day and man he was pissed!!!

I am hot when I get to the boat because this was the first day of deployment and once we get away from the pier we won't have any fax capabilities. It's cool becasue I thought I was the only one but there were several more like me that were just as pissed. They were with AT&T too. What upsets me is that when I logged on to Cingular.com today, the first thing I saw was a US Navy Promotion. Go look at it. I bet it's still there. They should have a Trojan Magnum advertisement too because they are f*ckin' us over!!!! Wait....this sums it up completely.

Customer Service Reps at prefer the use ofwhen f*cking over

Riddle me this??

2006-06-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

1. If you could be doing what you really want to be doing for a living, what would it be?
Playing a professional sport. Unfortunately, I think I would be like a lot of athletes and have kids all over the country. Maybe it's a good thing that I'm not. I mean, how would I be able to see all my kids? How many times does a team bus just break down in Bakersfield, CA?
2. If you could slap the shit out of any famous person, alive or dead, who would it be?
I don't know, maybe Christopher Columbus. "Just a little bit more and you would've done it, asshole!"
3. What's the dumbest decision you've made in the past 5 years?
Staying in the military. If I could go back in time I would give them back the $42,000 bonus, knock out my boss, flip them the duece, and then get my big ass in the wind.
4. Give up one for a year: (good) sex or (good) music.
Bad sex is better than no sex at all (at least for guys), and the music that has been coming out lately hasn't been too stellar...I'm gonna say good music.
5. Dudes, would you rather have a big dick or a great sense of humor? Ladies, nice tits & azz or common sense?
If any of my blogs can make you at least chuckle, then I am the proud owner of both.
6. So you've been invited to an all expense paid Blogger Prom in The Bahamas. You're sitting at the bar on the beach. Which blogger do you want to join you for hours of good convo?
Khary, J, her boy Miquel, 'Nique, Nsane, and that's about it. Honestly, I'm cool with everyone though. If you got good conversation, especially a sense of humor, then there's a seat for you.
7. Which blogger would you most like to cuddle with on the beach? (and don't defer to your current signif other either. Infidelity won't count against you. Duh.)
Haven't interacted with too many females on here. J and I are cooler than a fan so that would leave it between the other two women. Fight it out ladies!!!! Nah, but gimme time to expand my peeps. I'll let ya know.
8. You're going on a 5 hour road trip...which 5 CDs do you bring?
Outkast's Southerplayalisticcadillacmuzik, Young Jeezy, and 3 CDs that I mix up to include hip hop, R&B, and old skool, which seeing how it's 2006, can now include Jodeci...LMAO!!

"It's been an hour since you been gone...."

9. Would you rather bury your children young or have your children bury you young?
I would rather have my children, when I spawn some, bury my ass.
10. What's your biggest insecurity?
Being too picky in finding a mate fearing that I may one day be alone forever. I don't care who I sleep with, but every woman ain't entitled to forever.
11.What's the first blog you read every day...or however often you read them?
J's. I don't know why because she hasn't written anything in a while.
12. When's the last time you peed your pants?
The last time I shyt myself. Prolly age 3.
13. Which was better, your first kiss or your first pay check?
I kinda liked kissing alot when I was younger, so I am going to have to say my first kiss. It opened doors letting in things like confidence, for instance. Plus, I have been told that I am a pretty good kisser so...
14. Do you have kids? Want kids?
Don't have any, but I want some. If I don't find a mate soon, I'm going to have to convince one of my homegirls that don't have any, but would like to have one, to go in on half. That would be a good movie or sitcom, wouldn't it? Wait a minute!!! Don't you steal it, GAWT DAMMIT!!!!!

15. You get dropped off at home after the office holiday party by your bitch azz boss that you can't effing stand...you exit the car and he peels out, runs a red light at your corner and rolls up an unsuspecting midget. The next day the midget watch groups are on TV outraged at the heartless hit and run, and are calling for any witnesses to please come fwd...that half dead midget has a family at home waiting on C-mas presents. Would you take $1000 hush money? $500? $100? A six pack?
I believe that would bring us together.!!! Seek out something that you both love to do and then form a bond. Shyt instead of going golfin' and kissin' his ass, or having boring ass "Casual Fridays", we could all enjoy "Midget Bashin' Mondays!!"
16. Live the rest of your life without your eyebrows or your fingernails?
Eyebrows. That's an easy one.
17. What makes you angry?
I try not to get angry but I find that there are at least two occasions every year where I find this utterly impossible. The NBA and NFL Drafts. I am from Chicago. Enuff said!!!!!
18. What makes you horny?
-A strong wind
-A beautiful woman joggin and perspiring, either on the street or on a treadmill with the ponytail swayin' back and forth
-Any and everything Vida G (see HHW #5)
-A woman straddling just about anything
-A kiss planted in the right place by the right woman
-An oh so gentle breeze as I get out of the shower on a hot summer's day...
19. What makes you nervous?
-Not knowing something. I mean there is a lot that I don't know, but not knowing things that I either want to learn, or that I should know already
-Being on the passenger side with a female driving. I wouldn't care if we were in a tank. I would be nervous as hell. I blame Moms on that one. I flew out of the car, rolled what felt like 10 city blocks, and landed in front of an on coming semi when I was three. While it wasn't totally her fault, she was driving.
20. What makes you smile?
-Making my Mom laugh so hard that she starts snorting. That's cool for me
-When I am in the presence of family and friends that I haven't seen in a while
-When I am around my boys, like Steve or Malik, and I know that in the next couple of minutes I am going to be laughin' my ass off or shakin my head in disbelief

If you are reading this then you have been tagged. I expect visit your site soon so that I can get to know you a little more.

"I want what's comin' to me"

2006-06-09T11:20:00.000-07:00

Manny: "Yeah, well what's that?"
Tony Montana: "The world, chico...and everything in it."-Scarface

While I don't profess to have all the answers, I think Tony forgot Rule #2.

2-DON'T GET HIGH ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY!!

I think this muhf*cka was sittin' in class next to Smokey or something!! Probably cheated offa each other's test and shyt!!!

Can anyone explain to me how oil has gone up $50 a barrel since we came to Iraq???? I mean, we protecting that shyt ain't we???? I think anyone who has done a tour should get free gas for at least two years or as long as they are in the military. I mean damn. What would Tony Montana do?

Look at this shyt!!!!!

The only thing I want to see progressing in this fashion is my free throw percentage. I am sure that Shaq would agree.

This shyt is ridiculous!! We were better off not f*cking with these cats!!

We shoulda jumped in bed with them bytches or somethin'!!! I mean they f*ckin' us, ain't they??? Maybe we just need to give these nikkas a hug or something because I don't see this shyt stoppin'!!

Along with this chart is this one:

I am thinking about buying me a f*ckin' horse!!! Maybe a camel. Wouldn't that be some cruel irony for yo ass?? Hey they can go days without water, right??

Shyt, f*ck that!!! You don't know my pain!!! I have been gone from the country for about 3 months and there is no telling what the price is going to be like when I get back.

Here's some more irony for your ass...I bought a f*ckin SUV in 2004!!! You wanna know how much it costs to fill that bitch???????

A F*CKIN' GRIP!!!!!

I'm hittin' the first camel lot I see when I get home...you can bet dat.

The Road to Hell is Paved....

2006-06-04T03:54:00.000-07:00

Well I was intending on attending my first day of class to get certified a Master Journeyman in Electronics. What happened that fuct up Saturday morning will forever be burned into my memory. Not that it was tragic, nor did something really traumatic happen, just...well here goes...

I get up that Saturday morning and go through my usual routine. I fry some bacon, toast a bagel and whip up some cheese eggs (I make the best eggs this side of EVER). So as I am eating my breakfast, I get a phone call from, we'll call him "John Henry", asking me to pick him up from his house so he can roll with me. Now this doesn't bother me because me and JH are cool. I roger up on gettin' him and then hang up, smoke a cigarette and then proceed to get ready to leave.

As I am pulling up to his house, I beep the horn and out the door he comes. Now I recommend friends like these who refuse to keep anyone waiting on them especially if they are depending upon that person to give them a ride somewhere. (Keep that in mind, J) Now JH is 6 ft 6 inches tall and at the time I met him, he was about 290 pushing 300. As he turns and kisses the wifey goodbye, I remember our first meeting.

At that time I was new to the ship that I am currently on and I was walking down a passageway heading toward my berthing [Where we Navy people sleep- Just trying to keep you abrushed on the terms, mate-wun] when all of a sudden I can't see the light 20 feet in front of me. Around the corner had come this big menacing, formidable, "Oh hell naw, where the f*ck is my gun", looking figure who was continually walking towards me and not slowing down. Now p-ways ["passageways", you're welcome-wun] on ships are narrow to begin with. I, on one hand, stood barely 6ft 2" and pretty much was drawfed by him. I look in front of me as we are getting closer and I notice a repair locker on the left. There is a pipe wrench in plain view and I felt that if I could get to it I had a chance. In that short period of time I then proceeded to fast forward and play out the next 15 seconds in my head.

As the Wookiee ventured in closer I lunged out for the Battle pipe. He let out a menacing growl and instantly closed the gap between us. Reaching the pipe first, I turned and swung with all of my earthly might.
[Crack]
He grimaced in pain as I laid the end of the blunt object squarely across his temple. As he tumbled to the ground, sensing victory I gathered all my strength for the death dealing blow. With painstaking clarity in his eyes, sensing that this was indeed the sum of all his fears, he raised his hands in submission as if to say...

"What' s up man? You new onboard? I'm John Henry and I work in the engine room. Nice to meet you. Where you coming from, dawg?"

He had extended his hand and it totally engulfed mine, as well as part of my forearm. We've been cool ever since.

Well we're in the truck driving down H-1 following two other people that were also attending the class. Exiting off the expressway, we get to a street not too far from downtown Honolulu. The car in front of me turned the corner and I proceeded to follow. The white RAV4 that I was with swung to the right of the car and sped off. Attempting to follow it, I passed the car on the left side and as I punched on the gas I noticed this:

It was too late!!! I was only able to look behind me and in the right lane and there were no moves to make. I couldn't stop because I had cut one asshole off (Look who's calling who the asshole. I know...) and there was the guy that I was trying to get in front of that, for some reason, decided to speed up. I bit down hard. I was going to have to take this one. F*ck!!! And I had just bought these rims and had low pro Pirelli's on 'em too...

[POOOW.....HISS.....HISS......HISS.....HISSSS]

"What the f*ck was that?", JH yelled. "What the hell did you just do? What was it, B?"

"I just f*ckin' farted and blew an O-ring in my ass", I snapped. "What the f*ck do you think happened?"

At this time I am hot. I mean, I knew it was all my fault, but I felt that the loud ass thud from falling in and coming out of a 5 inch pothole, while going 45 miles an hour, coupled with the rhythmic hissing, should have made the answer pretty damn obvious.

He could sense I was heated. [HISS....HISS...HISS] I pulled the truck to a stop about 20 yrds past the pothole. I make sure not to brake too quickly as not to start a collision that would lead to a pileup or anything. Luckily the car behind was a beater and it took the pothole like a champ, and seeing my fate, changed lanes with nobody behind him. We exit the car to look at the damage. Tire was blown the hell out. 10 inch rip in it. I couldn't tell at the time but the rim was slightly bent.

Everyone that was in our group returned to the scene after a phone call from JH. We assess the situation after all of the "Damns", "Oh, Shyts", "What the f*ck were you thinkings" were passed around. I call my insurance company who quickly (HA) dispatches a tow truck to haul me to the nearest shop that they would pay for. Of course this shop is always gonna be 10 shorter than were you want it to be. I wanted to go to Sears near my house so that I could get my stocks put back on. Well my house was 14 miles away, while the nearest shop was 3 miles.

By this time people are getting antsy. Class was about to start in 45 minutes and people were trying to wait for the tow truck with me but didn't want to be late on the first day. Out of nowhere a siren is heard and a Honolulu policeman pulls up behind my truck. He gets out and asks if we need him to call a tow truck. I tell him that it was already done. He starts to usher traffic away from my lane due to it being a three lane street and I was in the far left lane. What's pictured below on the right is actually a median with trees and shyt. My truck was a little further than where the pic was taken. After a minute of that he comes back and asks me the dumbest question.

"Sir, do you think we can push your truck over to the right into that parking lot 30 yrds away?"

I tell him, "But I have a flat and I am sittin' on my rims already." He looks around the group and at the trucks lined up and realized everyone has 20's or better on their feet. He looks at me. I look back giving him the "Shyyyyyyyyyt" face. He hops in the car and drives away. I mean, it wasn't that much traffic. I broke out my street hazard sign and called it a day.

I then tell the guys that they should go and let the instructor know what happened and that I will be there next week. I wasn't worried because I have been doing electronics for years and was sure I could miss the first 6 of these classes. So they leave and I am stuck here to wait for the tow truck that I called 30 minutes ago.

My phone rings. It's the insurance company telling me that the truck got caught up and that it could be up to another hour. Damn!!! So I, for what reason I don't know, call my ex girlfriend. She begins to tell me of some pothole hotline and how I can get my money back and everything. I start thinking shyt, I could use that. The rim is going to cost $650+ and the tire about $250.

Well, I call them and then I get an automated service. I mess around with that for 30 minutes before I hang up in disgust. Still no tow truck.

After another hour, and me having smoked my last cigarette, the tow truck pulls up. Driving it is a bruh, who later I find out is from LA. His story was one all too common of military people who come over, get out and then decide to stay, all the while complaining about the high cost of living. Anyway, as we load the truck up and head towards the Sears near my house, he's telling me about his weekend while playing Beef 2 soundtrack, I think, on the Cd player. I look out the window just in time to see another one of these...

I see it, he doesn't.

[BLAM.....BLAM]

I'm thinking this shyt better not mess up my oth..

[BLAMMM]

"Oh, shyt!!!", he says. "My bad."

If looks could kill dude's head woulda exploded. I think he sensed it. But anyway, I believe the road to hell is paved with good intentions and filled with f*ckin' potholes. You get there by landing in a lot of them. Killin' his ass would've been just one more along the way.

The good thing is dude didn't charge me extra for the distance. I saved 30 bucks. The rest of that day sucked and.....that's about it. Any questions?

Why am I writing about this? This story popped in my mind as I was looking at pics of my truck. As I was looking online for some pictures of potholes, I noticed that some cat hit the same f*cking sinkhole sometime after I did and wrote a story about it. His was geared towards the "Pothole hotline". I used the pics though. True story.

I'm bored again

2006-06-03T21:23:00.000-07:00

Yep! It’s that muhf*ckin time again!!! I have reached a writer’s block and when that happens I write about whatever the hell comes to mind. Come along for the ride if you like. The journey is always more exciting than the destination anyway. Being that I don’t know where the hell I’m going…I got it! I’m going back home!!!

My beloved Chicago!!!!!

I miss home so much that I can’t begin to tell you. Though I love Hawaii and a lot of the people I have befriended out there, there’s nothing like home. Man, I would just like to go back for maybe a month. That’s all I would need.

How many people saw Cooley High? Did you know (that would be a good title for another segment. “Did you Know…) that the school that I graduated from had some books carried over from that High School? Yep. You know how they used to stamp the names of the school in the front of back of the book? Well Cooley High was stamped in one of mine. Seriously, though…while that may not be the most interesting part of your day, I actually used to catch the Ravenswood “B” Train at Sedwick station, right were Cochise got his ass whupped by Stone and Roberts, along wit Damon’s ol punk ass. Just an interesting tid bit.

“How do I say goodbye to what we haaaaaaaaaaad...” Moving on…

I would kill to be able to go to the “Taste of Chicago.”

The Taste of Chicago is an annual tradition for the city held at Grant Park during the 10-day period leading up to the Fourth of July. There’s food from over 100 local restaurants, great entertainment from radio stations, concerts, and a variety of exhibits and activities. The various restaurants set up shop in tents. The food options are too muhf*ckin’ many to list, but I can’t got without getting some of the best pizza and cheesecake in the world. NO LIE!!!!! .

If you are there in the winter grab your fishing poles and do some ice fishing over at the

Shedd Aquarium.

Here they claim to be the largest indoor aquarium with over 8000 aquatic animals in their 3 Million Gallon Oceanarium and 900K Gallon Caribbean Reef exhibits for your fishing pleasure. Evading security guards also adds in on the fun.

I miss being amongst the people and cheering for our overachieving ass sports teams. Nothing like bitching about how this is messed up, and that sucks, and how we, as if we were ever gonna be given the opportunity, would fix things up. Like for instance, I don’t know, nor do I ever know, what the hell the Bears were thinking going with two short corners and a utility kick returner. They always do that to me. Remember them drafting Brad Muster???? Yeah.

You know what else? The Bulls have two first round draft picks this year. Why am I upset, you ask? Because that gives them two chances to really f*ck things up!!!! Anyone ever heard of Will Perdue? Dennis Hopson? Stacey King? Wait and see.

Not to mention that I still would have to deal with the fact that these sumbitches won the World Series and not my beloved Cubbies.

Enough of that. Chicago is in its own little world and I love it for that reason, and that reason only. We are different than all other cities in the US. Most of us are calm, cool- headed individuals but all with the capability of going off at a moments notice if the situation presents itself. I have met nothing but cool brothers from the ‘Go ever since I have left there. We represent well, even if we don’t boast about things.

BEHOLD...PLANET CHICAGO

Enough of that for now, I am getting homesick. I am just trying to get back to Hawaii and my truck. There it is there with my boy Ab just profiling and shyt. Don’t ask me what he’s doing. How’s she holdin’ up J????? Don’t hurt my baby…anymore!!!!

I can’t think of anything else to spew so I am in the wind. It’s that time again so stand by for my next installment of HHW. Sorry ladies. I guess J can hook you up with her "Future Ex Husband" blogs. Be easy.

Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!! Rrrrrrrrrrfftttt!!

2006-05-26T22:46:00.000-07:00

Today’s thoughts wrapped up in lyrics.

“F*ck the world don’t ask me for shyt,
cuz everything ya git
you got to work hard for it
honey shake ya hips
ya don’t stop…” –Biggie f/Mef

“I’m on some murder TI-p,
I’ll kill ya ASAP”-The Game

“Pulled to the curb
gettin' played like a sucka
Don't fight the power
[BANG] the motherfucka”-Ice Cube

[Wooooooo Saaaaaaaaaahhh]

Aiight, ya boy’s good now. Just wasn’t feeling quite myself today. Huggy needed a hug and shyt. You know how you just wake up with a frown and everything? Well my upside down smiley face was actually stemming from an incident that happened last night. A little argument between f r i e n d s. Did you notice how I used that term ever so loosely? It’s just something about a “friend” that puts you on blast in front of your superiors on a daily basis.

I don’t know if you realize that when it comes to evaluations and ranking in the military, people are rated against each other, in the same pay grade, up and down the line. It’s kinda of like when dealing with an imminent shark attack. You don’t have to be the fastest swimmer in the world, just faster than the next muhf*cka, you know? Well, displaying impeccable timing, he manages to always down my people in front of superior officers…with me standing right there!!!! Why does that bother me? First of all, we are supposed to be cool. Secondly, even if were weren’t, him dogging my people saying that they aren’t shyt, makes me look bad. It’s a reflection of leadership, you know? If you have ever seen Antwone Fisher then you know how close people sleep together on a ship. Not, real close, just close enough where, with the proper motivation, you can reach across and choke the shyt out of a nikka!! For better leverage you would have to get out of your rack though.

So how do I separate that anger I feel, that sense of betrayal, when we are at a bar on liberty in a foreign port? I just let it go. I mean, every bit of me wants to reach across and choke the shyt outta him, but I refrain. I just shake that shyt off. Oh, it's not easy. It's more like a life time struggle that I deal with every day. I've been told that I have the patience of Job sometimes. Other times, I’m like this muhf*cka…

...subject to break out into a whirlwind pyramid* on an unsuspectin' nikka's ass!!!!

*10 Huggy pts for whoever tells me where I referenced "Whirlwind pyramid."

HINT: That cartoon used to be the shyt growing up.

Have you ever...?

2006-05-24T09:54:00.000-07:00

You can answer some if you like. I am just trying to move the day along.

Have you ever...?

-loved someone so bad that it hurt? I never knew what that meant until well into adulthood. Only told one woman that I loved her and meant it. ONE WOMAN IN MY WHOLE LIFE??? I know...sad. Umm...my answer is "Yes".

-wondered why in the hell the only other person in the elevator covers their nose and tries to play off where that smell came from when YOU KNOW it wasn't you that farted?

-been told to go get a switch that was going to be used to beat the hell out of your sister, but then get your stupid, overzealous ass knocked the hell out with the fallen tree that you came back with? I guess that was just my dumb ass. That f*cked me up for a minute.

-get banned for life from a community pool by a lifeguard because you and your cousin jumped in and got fished out of the deep side...TWICE???? IN ONE HOUR???? We were only five and it pretty much traumatized us. Not because we almost drowned twice...Noooo. Shyt, that was a young ass age to be "Banned for life" from something.
"If they never ever came back here...ummm...that would be great." What kind of shyt is that????

-put water on cereal because you were out of milk? How about Carnation Milk? I did it once but that is some nasty shyt.

-worn an actual pair of the Air Jordans that Mike played in and then gave away off of his very feet after a home game? I did. I thought I was the shyt when I wore them to gym the next day. Man, I was blowing layups, missing all kinda shots and the closest I came to dunkin' was my donut at breakfast. Hell, I even missed that muthaf*cka!!!! It must be the shoes.... Shyyyytt.

-seen Vida walking around my house looking for the rest of her damn clothes?

Unfortunately, neither have I...

What in THE hell ever happened to...?

2006-05-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yep. Let me see where I can take yet another segment. The first of my "What in THE hell ever happened to..." will feature...

{Drum Roll}

Tevin Campbell

Born: 12 Nov 1976 (29 at time of post)
Birthplace: Dallas, Tx (I knew there was a reason I didn't like that lil' nikka)
Why he was famous: Protege' of Quincy Jones at 12. Debut album at 14 yrs old. 5 Grammy and 2 American Music Award nominations, won 1 Soul Train Award.

Had hits like:

1990-Tomorrow, Round and Round
1991-Just Ask Me To, Tell Me What You Want Me To Do
1992-Goodbye, Alone With You
1993-Confused, Can We Talk
1994-I'm Ready, Always In My Heart.
1995-Fell the hell off to me....
1999-Resurfaced with new album annnnnnnnnnnnd got arrested for soliciting a Los Angeles Police Officer for lewd acts. A lot can happen in 10 years.

Why did he fall off?: Victim of his own success. Debuting at 12 and being known as the cute lil' kid with the nice voice. People watched him grow up and really couldn't take him serious as he transcended from singing about holdin' hands and talking with little girls to getting together with a woman. I think most people still had that episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air on their minds when he played Ashley's love interest. Yeah, that episode was pretty gay. Sorry. I gotta try not to offend people. That episode was pretty ~ . As a matter fact there were rumors about him being ~homosexual~....For a while. Who knows? Not to mention the whole "soliciting lewd acts from an Undercover" with marijuana and shyt in the car. Yeah, either we were ashamed that he did it or pissed that he was stupid enough to get caught. But how many females actually thought of Tevin Campbell first, or even in the top twenty when it came to dreaming of being with a star? Don't be embarrassed.

Anyway, just before publishing this I found out he is planning on coming out this year with a CD scheduled for a winter release. Damn...oh well.

Feeling Less Than Adequate? This Won't Help.

2006-05-19T02:30:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I pissed an ex-girlfriend off or just didn't perform up to par during a one night stand or something, but my f*cking email accounts are loaded with this shyt!!!! What the f*ck!!!! How the hell do you think it makes me look on my job when I open up an email and a coworker, out of the corner of their eyes, can see a big ass colorful picture like this one with words like..."Got a small dick???? Having a less than stellar ejaculation???? Not sellin' the ol' $$$$ shot???"

It has gotten to the point where I have to look around before I open any of my emails....Damnnnnn!!!!! This bullshyt needs to stop. Now I have to call every one of them hos and find out what the deal is. I mean, not that I'm paranoid or nothin'.

Razorback or Brokeback Football?

2006-05-16T22:39:00.000-07:00

I hate to follow up a post like the last one with something like this, but I just got it in an email. Now if I am receiving this now, that means that it was out for a while. Apparently this is a photo taken on the Arkansas Razorback sideline. As the camera panned across and zoomed in on these people, it was said that the commentators paused and refused to say a word. Good career move. You know I would've said something though. My commentary would've went like this:

"Yeah, it looks like they're calling for a little more meat on that offensive line. That Kentucky defense is just runnin' through 'em. Why...they're just gettin' man-handled out there!!! It's just down right ridiculous. This team needs an enema!!"

I'd be lookin' for a new job on Monday.

Is This Just The Way It Is?

2006-05-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

R.I.P

Ryan Francis

Inspired by this article on Yahoo Sports:Wondering Why

I didn't know him. I didn't follow USC basketball, or the Pac 10 for that matter. Why am I singling him out when so many lesser known people go through the same on a regular basis? Maybe because of what I noticed, and what really made me stop and think. I was just surprised to see a White journalist that was insightful and thoughtful enough to enlighten his readers on where the short comings of media and society lie. It's not as if he said anything profound, or something that we, if we have been paying attention over the years, wouldn't have noticed on our own. I think that it just hit me because over the weekend, a Mother's Day weekend, a mother has lost a son. I am halfway around the world in the middle of the ocean and I was able to wish my Mom a Happy Mother's Day. He won't be able to do that ever again.

What happened to Ryan Francis may have happened to many young athletes who may have temporarily escaped the clutches of the "beast". The unfortunate fact is that until you actually do "make it"...you still have to come home. Read the link and leave your thoughts if you want.

Papa Was a Rollin' Stone

2006-05-15T15:07:00.000-07:00

create your own personalized map of the USA

Damn!!! 27 countries (12% of the World), 27 states (52% of the US). 27+27=52. There has got to be a damn winning lottery number in there somewhere. Maybe the pick four, even. Too bad I'm sittin' in the middle of the damn ocean. That, and Hawaii doesn't have a damn lottery. They don't realize that some of that money could help put books in the schools, but that's another story.

Okay, if you had never been out of the States before then I can understand not doing the last one I posted, but hopefully some of you have been out of the state though. If not, well, I don't think that they have anything smaller for like, cities in your state and shyt. We could probably come up with something, with the help of MapQuest, for like, different school districts or various corner liquour stores. If we are unsuccessful then you probably just need to buy yo' ass a bus ticket and get the f*ck outta Dodge!! No...really.

All around the world, same song.

2006-05-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

27 Countries visited (12% of the World Total)

"I have smoked buddah in Budapest; had shisha in Bahrain.
Carved some Turkey in Instanbul, ran with the bulls in Spain.
All this was due to me joining the United States Navy....
Man, if I could do this shyt all over again."-Wun

That's right, I'm a world traveler. I can't say I like my travel agent but I have been to some really interesting places that I know I would've never seen otherwise. It's not for everyone, but its not that bad. Best places I've been too? Israel and Australia. No doubt. But it ain't over yet...

Countries visited

United States (obviously), Bulgaria, Mexico, Bahrain, Cuba, Iraq, Iran, Israel, Cuba, Turkey, Somalia, Yemen, Portugal, United Arab Emirates, Italy, China, Romania, India, Spain, Malaysia, Singapore, South Korea, Thailand, American Samoa, Australia, Guam, Papa New Guinea

Click on the link and make your own. Thanks for the idea, Em.

It Seems Like Its That Time Again.

2006-05-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

There comes a time during one's life, several times actually, where a myriad of thoughts travel through one's mind. Most, while in no particular order, nor in any particular detail, seem to get pulled right out of one's ass. What I mean by that is you tend to think back on the thought, after some contemplation, and wonder just where the hell did that come from? Something like, "Was I really that bored that I was actually counting how many breaths I take at rest in one minute, divide that by two as if I had to share a finite amount of air with one other person, while trapped in something like a vault like that detective was in Harlem Nights and ...?" It would be something you might think about if you were going completely mad, but I was sitting behind a desk for 6 hours! Okay, same thing. Some would stop reading now and just chock it up to boredom. Yeah, that's the easy way out. I tend to believe that most of these thoughts are always in your mind but they are just waiting for the right opportunity to come out. Hopefully it's when you are all alone because, and J can be a witness to this, if it happens when you are with a friend...whoa...it just becomes one Stupid ass question. J, remember the Kanye West/John Legend song when leaving Chilli's? Yeah...I rest my case. Anyway, I am on a tangent. For those who almost failed Geometry like I did...what? It was 10th period, man!!! Let me get back on track. These are more of my random, and sometimes completely dumb ass, thoughts...

-Call me lazy, but why in the hell would you swim upstream to lay your eggs? Salmon are the second dumbest fish in creation. It seems to me that the lazy ass bear just moved up on the intelligence ladder as far as the animal kingdom is concerned. Dumbest fish: Goldfish. It's not their fault. Short term memory loss is a bitch!!! I can never remember what happened the day after being at the club when some serious drinkin' was involved so I know their life sucks! Much respeck, but they're still #1.

-Why would someone call you on your home phone and start off the conversation with

"Hello?"

"Where you at, man?"

[[Click...Dun...Dun...dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn]]

"Hello?"

-Is it just me or was everyone else's girlfriend in school (HS/college) a direct representation of their grades?

A=Pretty face& Bad Ass Body

B=Pretty face&Okay Body / Okay Face&Bad Ass Body

C=Pretty face or Bad Ass Body

D=Not so much worth mentioning too loudly/ good personality

F=Bad Face, Bad "meaning Bad" body/Converted Cross dresser/A+ of same gender

Maybe it was just me...2.5 GPA. You see? Where did that shyt come from???

-They say that to extend one's left hand to an Arab is a sign of disrepect due to the fact that it is the hand that they wipe their asses with. My question is, besides the hose that is present in every bathroom over there, have they not heard of toilet paper? Do they wipe their asses with their bare hand and then wash it? My left hand is just as clean as my right everytime I walk out of the bathroom. Hell, I'm subject to go crazy sometimes and switch hands up. What then? Do I walk up to him and tell him to pick one?

-Speaking of greetings, why is it that we men of color can walk down a crowded ass passageway and won't say nothing to, or acknowledge ,anyone we don't know until we walk up on another brotha? What do we do then? We give 'em the, "What's up, man?" head nod, don't we? What does that movement signify, you ask? Well as we lift our heads up, elevating the chin no greater than 15 degrees, we are basically saying, "Hey, man..they ain't hangin' any Niggas back the way I just came, am I cool yo way?" Anything more than 15 degrees and that nigga would've been runnin' towards you with his head all the way back, heels kicking his ass. It seems like I've heard that from my grandfather or something. I don't know because I was pretty young when people started imparting wisdom on me.

Well, I'm in the wind. Nothing else seems to be coming through. Just thought that I would share today's thoughts wit ya. Be easy.

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day 39- Unfiltered

2006-05-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

I can definitely taste the food a lot better. I still haven't figured out if that goes in the plus column or not. Constantly itching and fidgeting around like the drug that I'm trying to kick is Crack Cocaine instead of what's normally found in cigarettes. The road to recovery is long and winding and I'm already getting dizzy. This is my story...

The Place: Manama, Bahrain

I was doing good with the whole "My new life as a nonsmoker" until...yep. You guessed it. We reached a port of call and there was alcohol aplenty!!! I thought that it had been long enough and I was through with cigarettes, tobacco, and all the trouble that accompanied it. WRONG!!! I lasted for about 4 beers but then I needed a cigarette shortly after that first glasss of Hen. Give me credit though because I only inhaled on the first and the last puff. The rest were just because the dude that gave me the square was sitting right in front of me. You see we were at someone's house that my boy knew and they were throwing a little BBQ for us. It seems like every time I come to Bahrain, I or someone that I know, runs into someone that they used to be stationed with. Anyway, on with the story.

This is a hookah pipe. It is used for smoking shisha. What is "shisha", you ask? I still don't know but it comes in assorted flavors like grape and apple, just to name a few. Actually I think it is a kind of tobacco but without the tobacco properties. Let me explain. I didn't feel shyt!!! Okay, let me redirect here.

Fast forward three days after we arrive in Bahrain and our travels finds me, HTB, Audi King and GP, in a very quaint-sized, for lack of a better word, living room surrounded by five Ethiopian females. If you have ever seen most Ethiopian females then you know that Luda had it right in "Pimpin' All over the World". Most of them are beautiful as hell. Well, most that I've ever met. Here we were shooting 80% though, which isn't bad. In the middle of us was a hookah pipe, not unlike the one pictured above. Now, how we got here isn't what is as important as what was going on in our minds regarding this instrument sitting before us. Of the four brothers only two of us were smokers...of cigarettes, that is. While the Ethies, as they are affectionately called, were eagerly awaiting their turn to puff on the dragon, we were looking on in amazement. Now we were shopping all day and we saw these things everywhere but paid little attention to them. Before our very eyes they were sucking on the end of the hose like it was a damn crack pipe! First of all, I was wondering if it was legal shyt that was in there. After that, I was wondering why the damn thing was unfiltered. Next came the whole, "Hey, why are we all sharing the same mouth device? I don't know you like that" thing. And lastly, after our curiosity piqued, "Why are you holding on to that damn thing for so long? I know you saw Friday! You better pass that shyt!!!" Now if you could have seen the way that each person was puffing on it you would've laughed your ass off. They were nonchalantly handling it, talking, pointing around the room and shyt, while all of our eyes were fixated on the hose. When they finally did pass it to one of us we hit that muhf*ckah like it was a joint or something. I'm talking...

((Swuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh))......((swuuuuuuhhhh))...((swuuuuuh))....{vein protruding out of skull}...((SWUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH))...{COUGH}...{COUCH}...Pass...your session has ended.

Well, the look on their faces would have said it all. They were wondering just what the hell was wrong with us!!!! Not one of 'em hit it like we did, nor did any understand why we were coughing. I believe they thought that we were from another planet or something. They were laughing their asses off. Well remember I told you that 1 of the 5 was an exception to the rule? Yeah, well she was sitting directly in my line of sight. I hit that hookah so hard like I was trying to change her very appearance. You know, like trying to make Condi...{{Swuuuuuuuuuuhh}}...

...look like Gabby...

...{{SWUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH}}}... but to no avail, so I passed it. We had a pretty good time, though. When I woke up the next morning there was purple shyt all in my nose. I think that it was because it was unfiltered. Hell, if that was the case then what did my lungs look like?

The real story here is that I fell off the wagon. I smoked one cigarette the first day in, passed around the hookah, and then smoked one more cigarette two days after we pulled out. So in a 39 day period that isn't too bad, right? Well at least I am doing better than Ace. He's smoking like it's the latest craze. I am back on target and tracking now and don't forsee any more bumps in the road. The last cigarette was three days ago and I'm not feenin' one bit. But check this out. Can you imaging what college would've been like with one of these in the room???? Damn!!!

Hot Hooks

2006-05-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

I know. I always start something and then don't keep up with it. Let's face it, plants die. Anyway, this was just going through my mind and I thought I would drop it. Having sort of a block so the first thing that I like I'm gonna throw down. I used to love this hook though. You gotta admit that being with someone that you wouldn't mind singing this hook to is ideal. I'm still looking. I am thinking that the journey will be better than the destination. Most times it always is.

ANYWHERE-112 feat.Lil' Zane

“We can make love on the bedroom floor
Then on top of my waterbed
I'm kissing you
Running my fingers through your hair
In the hallway
Making love away beside the stairs
We can do it anywhere...
I can love you in the shower
Both of our bodies dripping wet
On the patio we can make a night you won't forget
On the kitchen floor
As I softly pull your hair
We can do it anywhere, anywhere...”

Sniff...Sniff...yep...this is some bullshyt!!!

2006-05-05T11:47:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am not a perfect individual. I know, I know...for all of you who led your life as I have and are waiting with baited breath on my next move, well, just start making your own damn tracks! I bet there hasn't been a let down that big since Forrest Gump stopped his cross-country run. But what I am really trying to say is that we do fuct up things when we are just clowning around sometimes and then wonder how in the hell things, or people, turn out the way they do. Now I was just going to read and then delete this email that I received from the Audi King but then I decided to comment on it. I know some of you might have seen these pics already, because I have, but how much thought did you put into what was actually going on? I am not campaignin’ or anything…unless ya’ll are goin’ to vote for a nikka…shyt, I need a guarantee. Nah, but all three of these pics are messed up. Let me tell you what the end result of this is going to be.

Yeah, it’s cute now, but when this muhf*cka starts stickin’ people up, selling drugs, or shooting someone, then you got a problem with it. Bet you won’t produce not a nann ‘nudda smile when you see him dressed the same 14 yrs later. You won’t even remember this moment. You will remember, however, the house you put up to pop this little muhf*cka outta jail. We don’t even wanna get into what is going to happen when he skips bail. Whooooaa!!! That’s when both your lives start circlin’ the drain!

“I’m in that GT, Choppa, on the passenger side. NO SKEET, SKEET, CHOPPA, ON THE PASSENGER SIDE!!!”-Fat Joe, “Go Crazy”-(Remix)Young Jeezy feat. Fat Joe/Jay-Z.

Now what the hell is this about? I mean, could she not find a babysitter? This is bullshyt. Hey J, this ho got the one in your story beat by a long shot. The thing that I just realized is that it is daylight out. Either one of these two just got outta jail or somebody popped a blue diamond by accident. What kind of message is that sending to the kid in the back? I can see the conversation now.

Dude: Yeah, Bitch…
Little Girl: What ya doin’ up there Mommy? When are we going to pick up Daddy?
Mom: Sit back, baby and be quiet.
Little Girl: But Mommy…
Mom: MOMMY SAID…OH…OH SHYT…SIT YO ASS BACK!…OOOOH SHYT…

Now, this is the one that pisses me off the most. This seems like a game to her, huh? It’s seems pretty funny until she grows up and her man is jumping woman to woman with that same smile on his face. She won’t remember how funny this was at one time. I am not saying that every man is conditioned in this fashion. Hell, it’s actually in our nature, and we are predestined…I mean…already cursed, but she doesn’t have to speed up the cycle. Now this dude’s FIRST girlfriend, what…maybe 3rd grade, is going to get drug through the mud. Little nikka gonna be making 4 hearts outta construction paper for 4 little girls on Valentine’s Day. Poor girl. It’s sad, really. Wait a minute! That car behind them looks familiar. Don’t tell me all of this shyt is happening in the same neighborhood!!!?!???

Can't nobody sang like K-CI Bailey!!!!

2006-04-20T10:57:00.000-07:00

I don't know but it looks like Jamie ran outside, grabbed K-CI out of the alley across the street, brought him back inside and told him to do his best Eddie Kane Jr. impression.

Ya'll remember when he and Mary J. did that song about crack on her first album?
I think it started out something like this:

"If lovin' you is all that I gotta do,
I don't wanna do anything else"

Nah, that was bad. Sorry, Mary. Actually, I think him and Jo Jo were performing at Jaime Foxx's Birthday party.

Look who else was there. The food looks good on the table but...

...I like the dessert!! Let's see...Regina pudding, Gabrielle fudge, and Sanaa pie. What to choose....what to choose...

Sign O' the Times

2006-04-16T11:43:00.000-07:00

I had a weird dream about someone last night. To find out more about her you will have to look at my friend J's blog.

You thinking what I'm thinking, J? I wonder what she's doing right about now? She's probably on a date talking about her favorite restaurants and shyt. LMAO!! A little on the light headed side but a part of me (guess which part) still wouldn't mind...you know. But after that I could maybe "refine" her a little.

Hell, I could even start a Stripper Outreach Program (STOP). I already got me a crew to help get it off the ground. There's Kurb Servin' Khary, Bartholomus Caesar, Catfish Malik, The Audi King, and Beer Swiggin' Bill. And J, you can run the day to day operations since, well, you are probably more organized than any of us.

Now if we can just get state funding...

Through the "bushes", one walked alone...

2006-04-15T09:24:00.000-07:00

I love my family to death. We've had our problems in the past but I forgave them all for it a long time ago.

I hold my true friends close to me and they know who they are. People that choose to become a part of your life...well that's special to me beyond words.

I respect the people that I work with. To do the job we do takes courage, self sacrifice, and the patience of Job.

But I would turn my back on all you muhf*ckas in a second for the leading male role in this damn movie!!!!!

Family reunions? Screw 'em!!!

Friends? Find new ones!!!

Job and coworkers? After this movie I could live off my book sales.
I would already be destined to become the Trojan's International Magnum spokesperson just from the movie clips alone!!!!

Just write a 22 min scene (54 minutes, Director's Cut) where I walk up on the camp while the whole group's busy "tradin' fur" and I can ad lib from there!!! Replace Brittany Murphy with K.D. Aubert and I would do it for free!! WHAT!!!

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day 14- F@(!$%

2006-04-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

Some more memorable songs.

2006-04-11T11:49:00.000-07:00

With a full bladder, Robert Kelly stands over the naked body of a 15 yr old girl and boldly proclaims…

"My mind's tellin' me noooooooo
but my body, my body's tellin' me yeeeesssss!!!!
baby, I don't wanna hurt nobody
but there is something that I must confeeeessssssss...
to you"
-Bump N Grind, R. Kelly

“Poppa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Poppa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keepin’ my baby.
Ohhh, I’m gonna keep my baby.
-Pappa Don’t Preach, Madonna

I don’t know what to say about this. I mean, she went from talking about being a virgin to tellin’ her father to get up off of her ass cuz she’s keepin’ her baby. The very fact that she put out a song like that surprised the hell outta me but I think it’s relevant to what I’m putting out here.

I DO LOOOVE YOOOOU !!!
(oooooooooooooooh)
you can have a piece of my love (Dumb Bitch)
it's waitin for you (oooooooooh)
girl it's true
(IIIIIIIIIIIIIII)
you can have a piece of my love (lovin baby)
it's waiting for you (heeey)
girl it's true
you can have a--
baby you can't have all of me
'cuz i'm not totally free
i can't tell you everything that's goin on
baby
there's a few things in my past
that should not be explained
i'm askin you baby
be with me----for a lil while (you can have a--)
please hush
no questions asked
lay back and relax girl (i do love you-girl it's true)
now kick off your shoes
now put your head down (is waiting for you)
since we're here now baby
i'm givin you a piece of me you can't have (you can have a-)
-Piece Of My Love, Guy.

Man, I think that we argued for two complete school years over what the hell the opening chorus of this song says. I swear on everything I love that it sounds like they are saying “Dumb Bitch” at the beginning. You have to listen to it, rewind it, ask a friend, and then play it again. Trust me, its there. Guy snuck in there for a while towards the end of the eighties and had a few good hits. “Tease Me Tonight” and “Goodbye Love” were tight as hell too.

I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles
And the heavens open up every time she smiles
And when I come home to her that's where I belong
Yet I'm running to her like a river's song
(chorus)
she gives me love love love love crazy love
she gives me love love love love crazy love...
She's got a fine sense of humor when I'm feeling low down
And when I come home to her when the sun goes down
She takes away my troubles, takes away my grief
Takes away my heartache in the night like a thief.
she gives me love love love love crazy love..."
Crazy Love, Brian Mcknight.

I know he wasn't the one who originally song this song but I like it better. I can only wish to love a woman like that again. I mean, that much, you know? Wait, maybe I mean I can only wish for a woman to come along that will love me like that again. That sounds like some forever type love that you don't get all the time.

"Someday yeah, we'll put it together and we'll get it undone,
Someday when your head is much lighter,
Someday yeah, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun,
Someday when the world is much brighter,

Oooh child things are gonna be easier,
Oooh child things'll be brighter,
Oooh child things are gonna be easier,
Oooh child things'll be brighter,"
-Oooh Child, The Spinners.

Depending on what we were waiting for, I am still looking forward to when we will be dancing in the rays of a beautiful sun. If they are talking about what I think they are talking about, then we still have a long way before we get it together. Let's just get high, dance naked in the sun with only sunglasses on and continue to lie to our children. I figure that way we have all of the song's bases covered.

Please come now I think I’m falling
I’m holding on to all I think is safe
It seems I found the road to nowhere
And I’m trying to escape
I yelled back when I heard thunder
But I’m down to one last breath
And with it let me say
Let me say
Hold me now
I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking
That maybe six feet
Ain’t so far down"
-One Last Breath, Creed

Though they are disbanded now, I thought that their songs were pretty good. Sounds like this cat was contemplating suicide. Seemed a little Christian oriented but people loved them. You would think that with them doing so well they would continue. Oh well. This installment will be short. I am kinda tired and my fingers hurt. Be easy.

Powerful Lyrics

2006-04-09T03:40:00.000-07:00

I was sitting around today thinking that there have been some very powerful lyrics in a lot of songs that just tend to reach out and grab you. Most of these lyrics happen to be from slow songs, or at least that is my opinion, but I've decided to post some now, as well as whenever they might come to me. I know that the artists listed below don't necessarily write the songs, but they do bring them to life. So now, without further delay, I bring to you my first installment of "Powerful Lyrics."

"Too strong for too long
And I can't be without you baby
And I'll be waitin' up until you get home
Cause I can't sleep without you baby
Anybody who's ever loved you
Knows just what I feel
Too hard to fake it
Nothin' can replace it
Call the radio
If you just can't
Be without
Your baby"
-Be Without You, Mary J. Blige.

Mary always seems to make you feel the pain that comes along with lovin' a person just a little too much, doesn't she? Probably the best at it. I mean, "Call the radio if you just can't be without..." How many people ever felt this way about someone???? Damn, that is just...STRONG! And "Anybody's whose ever loved you know just..." How many women ever reference women of a nigga's past???? Powerful...just powerful. This is just one of many of her songs that will probably appear on these posts.

"Thinking all that life would be
When you're not around
I just could not find my way
I wouldnt even know up from down
But since I've had you in my life
All these can be found
So strong and true, baby
Comin' from you, you, you, you, you..."
-I Call Your Name, Switch

Okay...okay!!! So this is the song that prompted this post and others that will be like it. You have to admit that this song was the shyt!!! Okay, just promise me that you will do a search, or maybe even download it from Limewire (shameless plug) and check it out. I am sure that you will add it to one of your favorites too.

"Brothers want to hang with the Meth bring the rope
the only way you hang is by the neck nigga poke
off the set comin to your projects
Take it as a threat, better yet it's a promise
Comin from a vet on some old Vietnam shit
Nigga you can bet your bottom dollar hey I bomb shit
And it's gonna get even worse word to God
It's the Wu comin through sickin niggaz for they garments
Movin on your left..."

My bad. I just didn't want ya'll to think I was too soft or nothin'. Unfortunately the two that I have listed are Meth's best. I don't know what happened to him in the following years, or songs for that matter. He seemed to only have been tight either with Redman or throwing down 16 bars for someone else. I think this next song was the first "real" Grammy single by a Rap artist.

"Shorty I'm there for you anytime you need me
For real girl, it's me in your world, believe me
Nuttin make a man feel better than a woman
Queen with a crown that be down for whatever
There are few things that's forever, my lady
We can make war or make babies
Back when I was nothin
You made a brother feel like he was somethin
That's why I'm with you to this day boo no frontin
Even when the skies were gray
You would rub me on my back and say 'Baby it'll be okay'
Now that's real to a brother like me baby,
Never ever give my cootie away, so keep it tight, aiight..."
-You're All I Need, Meth feat. Mary J. Blige

I guess that was every locked up nigga's anthem to the females that were keepin' it real wit 'em back in '94. Or so they were led to think. I would have changed the title to "Ode to My Shorty", because this is really a classic that belongs up there with any of Beethoven's works.

"Lady i'm hooked on you
There's nothing else i'd rather do
Spend my last dime
For a drop of your time
Cause you're the girl without a doubt
You know you got me strung out
And i need you more
And more
Cause you are my joy
You got me feenin..."
-Feenin', Jodeci.

What can you say about these cats? Their emergence quickly helped us forget about New Edition and whatever it was they were going through during that time. This is just one of the many songs that Jodeci belted out that helped get the belts off of many pairs of pants in the '90s. Every album had bangers on it and they are THE group of that whole hip hop/soul era. While some might argue Boys II Men, I believe it was Jodeci who started it all and kept it going while making people cross over to them. Is it just me or does anyone realize that Mary J and K-Ci could've been the first Whitney and Bobby Brown type couple?

"I carry a smile when I'm broken in two
And I'm nobody without someone like you
I'm tremblin' inside
And nobody knows it but me

I lie awake it's a quarter past three
I'm screamin' at night if I thought you'd hear me
Yeah, my heart is callin' you
And nobody knows it but me

The nights are lonely, the days are so sad
And I just keep thinkin' about the love that we had
And I'm missin' you
And nobody knows it but me"
-Nobody Knows, Tony Rich Project

A fool and his woman both shall soon part. I liked it though, while there weren't too many profound lyrics or whatever, it was still a pretty memorable tune. I can't remember if it won a Grammy or not. I think it was nominated at least.

"You keep running, running away
I know you can't run forever
You think you're heading for a heartbreak again
Just as you did before

I can teach you how to love again
If you just trust in me
I can show you things you never seen
You don't know how much you're missing.

CHORUS
Have you ever loved somebody
Can you learn to love somebody
the way somebody loves you
Have you ever known that feeling
Ooh that special feeling
When somebody loves you"
-Have You Ever Loved Somebody", Freddie Jackson

Now I didn't have a girlfriend when this song was big and I dreaded every damn minute of it! If that Chorus wasn't powerful I didn't know what was back then. I think I mainly put this down only because I am still scarred by it. Freddie seemed gay as hell to me but the song was tight. "Whisper sweetly in my ear..."

You may be young but you're ready
(Ready to learn)
You're not a little girl, you're a woman
(Take my hand) Let me tell you, baby

I'm yours for the takin'
So you can (Do what you please)
Don't take my love for granted
You're all I (I'll ever need)

Hold me, hold me in your arms
(Oh...baby) Never let me go

(There's a right and a wrong way to love somebody)
A right way to love somebody, to love me right
(There's a good and a bad way to love somebody)
There's a good, oh...whoa...oh...whoa...oh...
You do me good, ooh....
-Right and Wrong Way, Keith Sweat.

Now this cat couldn't dance a lick. It was actually pretty sad but during his entire reign that little flaw didn't matter at all. This particular song was the shyt. That first line alone set the tone. You see R. Kelly felt it, don't you? I don't know exactly how young Keith was talking, I guess it's relative, but people were singing that line in lunchrooms across the country.

Now I was just throwing down a couple of songs that popped in my head. If you feel there are some others like, "Adore U", or "As We Lay" that warrant attention, start a blog about it, or hit me up. I am sure I will have more in the near future. Be easy.

Last one!!!!

2006-04-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

My sister put me on this a long time ago. You see, she had a nervous condition where she would rock constantly for no reason at all. I mean, she would sit there with a pillow behind her back and one in her lap and just rock all day. Coupled with that irritating fact was that she would play one song, ONE SONG, that she liked all day long. This was one of them. I used to hate it because of her, but grew to love it...because of her.

SWITCH
"I Call Your Name"

(Talking)
I used to think about immature things
You know like, do you love me? do you want me?
Are you gonna call me like you said you would?
Is this really your real phone number?

But you know Im a man now, baby, a grown man
And I came a long way, ha-ha
Cause those fears taught me one thing
Taught me to hold on to my love

Sometimes
I just can't help thinkin livin without you, baby
See, sometimes
I just can't live cryin about you, baby

I'm not worried bout a doggone thing
I'll take anything you bring
Although I love the sunshine
I'll still accept the rain

Cause when Im in my lonely mood
And I just can't be with you
I tried everything to occupy my mind
But there was no substitute

(Chorus)
Thinking all that life would be
When youre not around
I just could not find a way
I wouldnt even know up from down
But since Ive had you in my life
All these can be found
So strong and true, baby
All comin from you
You, I call your name, girl
Whenever I am lonely, baby
I call your name
When I feel the need of love
I think of you and it eases the pain
Take away the strain

Cause I dont worry 'bout what my people say
In my life today
Although they try to say youre not the one for me
Ill love you any way

Cause their intentions might be cool
If what they say was true
But theres more to you than they could ever see
And they dont even know you

(Chorus)
Thinking all that life would be
When youre not around
I just could not find a way
I wouldnt even know up from down
But since Ive had you in my life
All these can be found
So strong and true, baby
Comin from you, you, you, you, you

You, I call your name, girl
Sometimes when I get lonely, baby
I call your name
When I feel the need of love
I think of you and it eases the pain
Take away the strain

You, I call your name, girl
Sometimes I get lonely, baby
I call your name
I just cant seem to help myself for not wanting to be alone
So I call your name, I call your name, ho...ho...
I think of you and it eases the pain
Take away the strain

I do, you do
Birds and bees do too
I love you, you love me
And I know
Whoa...oh...whoa...whoa...whoa...whoa...whoa...whoa...
I call your name and it eases the pain

See, I just dont feel all by myself tonight
It seems like someone else is out there
Oh, thinkin of holding someone else tonight
So you will know where Im comin from
Oh, when Im lonely, when Im discouraged
Oh, I call your name, babe

There is no substitute for you
No one could take your place
Youre more than they could ever receive
Thats why I call your name

Ha!! I know you remember this one!!!

2006-04-07T13:36:00.000-07:00

Troop
All I Do Is Think Of You

i can't wait to get to school each day
and wait for you to pass my way
and bells start to ring
and angels start to sing:
"hey that's the girl for you
so what are ya gonna do?"
hey little girl!!!
I LOVE YOU !!! (i love you so...)

CHORUS:
All i do is think of you
day and night (day and night that's all i do)
i can't get you off my mind
thinking back (all the time)
all the time

i begin to take the long way home
just so i can be alone
to think of how to say:
my heart's here to stay
(hey i'm in love with you
i think the world of you)
so won't you please...PLEASE be mine?
(oh please be mine mine mine)

CHORUS(2):
all i do is think of you (baby)
day and night (day and night that's all i do)
i can't get you off my mind
thinking about (thinking about you all the time)
all the time
oooooooh (bub bub ba bub bu daaaa...ooooooooooh)
(Spoken:)girl, i wanna say thing but i don't wanna tell ya (i just think
about it and i'm in love with you)
(bup bup bu da daaaaaa....oooooh)
i think the world of you (ooooooh)
ooooooooooooh

CHORUS(3):
all i do is think of you
day and night (day and night)(night and day)DAY YEAH YEAH
i can get you off my mind (oooooh)
thinking about
oooooooooh.....oooooooooooh baby
i keep thinking about you
all night long
oooooooooh
baby
day and night that's all i do
woooooaaaah (heeeeeeeey)
i can't get you (heeeeey)
i can't get you off my mind (heeeeey)
hoooooooooo (heeeeeey)(heeeeeeeeey)
OOOOH!!!
CHORUS(4):
all i do is think of you
day and night (day and night that's all i do)
i can't get you off my mind
thinking about (i should be thinking about you)

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day #6- Crash and Burn

2006-04-05T23:00:00.000-07:00

The Nicotine Chronicles-Day #4-Back Again for the First Time.

2006-04-04T05:20:00.000-07:00

I can definitely taste the food a lot better. I still haven't figured out if that goes in the plus column or not. Constantly itching and fidgeting around like the drug that I'm trying to kick is Crack cocaine instead of what's normally found in cigarettes. Slowly becoming shorter and shorter with people. I can't stand to hear the voices of certain individuals onboard and I take no comfort in knowing that I must continue to put up with this for the next 5 months. The ship is only 567 ft long and 50 ft wide. That can be bad. The good thing, you ask? Well, they still haven't found those three bodies yet. The road to recovery is long and winding and I'm already getting dizzy. This is my story.

Look at that. She probably got his ass started on cigarettes too. The apple don't fall too far from the tree, J. You are all descendants of Eve with the innate ability to drag a nikka down!!!!

Anyway, why did I start on day number 4? Because the first three days were hell!!! I mean, I have been here before but it doesn't look familiar. I didn’t know if I was going to make it so I put off even blogging about it. Look, just over five years ago I was dating a beautiful woman who had the power to make me put cancer sticks down forever. She would hold me at night while I was going through the cold sweats. Look after me when I was coughing up, what felt like, both of my lungs. Having her around, as well as a never-ending supply of sunflower seeds, made my transition back into the world of the "nicotine free" that much easier.

Then we broke up. I was taking it rather bad. I was also scheduled to transfer to this gem of a f*ckin' ship in the middle of a Western Pacific deployment. I didn't think that would be enough for me to pick them up again after three whole years. I was wrong.

Now here I am 2 and 1/2 years later after starting back. No sunflower seeds to chew. No woman to hold me as I go through withdrawals not unlike detox. But I am here. I am making enemies along the way, but I am here. I will see this through. This time I will do it without gaining 20 lbs. I have friends who have quit several days before I decided to put mine down. Yep, Snake and Ace both set ‘em down a few short days apart from one another. Funny. I didn’t think I would soon mention both of their names in the same sentence again (See “Who’s Covering…”). With Audi King soon to follow, there will be plenty of people to lean on, watch out for, and compare body counts. The upcoming months should be interesting. Stay tuned.

The best laid plans of mice and men...

2006-04-02T16:12:00.000-07:00

"I'm going to do the tourist thing this time. No spending every waking moment chasing after women and hanging out all night up in bars and shyt for me. I've done all of that before the other three times that I have been here to Australia. I'm going to go see Darling Harbor...

..take pictures, and maybe even climb the bridge there.

Then maybe even venture on over to the Opera House and sit on the steps."

Yeah that was the BS that was coming outta my mouth prior to pulling into Australia. What the hell did I end up doing? You got it!!!!

(Dont worry...I was OK but my game was SICK!!!)

Well, at least we had fun. And yes, I was drunk!!! Can't you see the girl in the pink, the one I was referring to in the "Who's covering my six" blog, holding my head up? I know, I know. Maybe I'll do the touristy thing next time? Yeah, right.

Sea Stories #2: Operation: Lost & Found

2006-03-29T11:26:00.000-08:00

Now this story takes place very early in my military career.

The Place: Haifa, Israel
The Time: Approx. 11 AM local
The Reason: Because I have to be

Now at this point in my career I am nothing but a lowly E-3. Not responsible for shyt, just told what to do. Basically, what a pawn is to a knight in chess. Well, that's not entirely true. I was in charge of mantaining the preservation on the wing wall, but... Yeah, I was a pawn.

So this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher training in Gitmo Bay, Cuba, but that doesn't count. I say that because we weren't allowed to leave the base when we were down there. Anyway, I am on duty and guess what job they task me with? Duty Driver!!! I repeat, this is my first time outside of the United States, with the exception of refresher... You get the idea. I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE BEFORE! WHY THE HELL ARE THEY MAKING ME DUTY DRIVER?

I take a minute to think. Well this might be fun. I mean, hopefully I have to take someone somewhere and it would get me outta painting as well as other meaningless duties that came along with me being a Deck Seaman. As I am thinking about this I hear the PA system click on. "Duty Driver to the Quarterdeck." I put down my paintbrush and head toward the quarterdeck wondering just where this upcoming journey was going to take me.

OOD (Officer of the Deck, for those not in the know): "Hey, you have to take the Marines onboard over to the gym on the other side of the hill for a basketball game. I don't really know where it is but I was told that it shouldn't be that hard to find."
Me: "What kind of shyt is that?"
OOD: "What was that?"
Me: "Ummm...when am I supposed to leave?"
OOD: "Right now. Hurry up and get changed. They should be ready to go by the time you return."
Me: "Roger that. I'll be back shortly."

I head off to take a shower and change out of my dirty uniform. I tell all my boys on duty to have fun painting and that I will be back in a little while. As I turn to walk down the passageway, I am hit in the back of the head by a sortie of Fuck Yous and Kiss my ass, Asskissers, being thrown my way from sailors angrily shaking paint brushes and rollers.

Returning to the Quarterdeck, I noticed the Marine Basketball team already assembled with most of them looking at me like I had taken entirely too long. Now the thing about Marines and Navy personnel is that we get along, but we don't get along. With that being said, "F*CK 'EM!"

We all pile into the van and head off toward town. Now this seemed like it would be a short trip once we got into the city, but then I noticed that there are many streets that headed up several hills. Remembering the OOD's instructions, I realize soon that he screwed me. In no time, grumbling echoed through the van as the Marines were getting very uneasy. Not caring, I continued to drive on. After about twenty minutes I finally glanced in the rear view mirror and asked, "Does anyone know where the hell this gym is?" Man, what did I do that for? As if that didn't set off a slew of groans and sighs. Of course, being in a van full of men, there is always one guy who is going to try to fill the role as navigator.

"I've been here before", piped a short Marine from the back. "You're going the wrong way!" I wanted to choke the shyt out of him, but if I have learned one thing in my life, if you mess wit one Marine, you take on the whole bunch. I kindly ask him to guide me. Another twenty minutes go by. This bastard had no clue as to where we were, or where we were going, for that matter. Another one decides to take the reins and I let him. Now if you have never been to places like Israel or a number of other similar countries, you would be taken aback by the number of soldiers walking the streets with automatic weapons. Being that we were lost as hell, I swear we passed the same soldier on one corner three times. I'm certain that after the fourth time around that his weapon definitely had the saftey off.

It was then that I realized that the only thing worse than listening to a bunch of f*ckin' Marines argue about something that they don't know shyt about was to be STUCK DRIVING AROUND a bunch of f*cking Marines arguing about something they didn't know shyt about. Somehow, by the grace of God, we found the gym. They were forty five minutes late but I didn't care. As soon as the last one closed the door I sped off. Looking through the mirror, I could see one or two of them looking at me as if I was a parent that just dropped them off at their grandmother's house for the summer. In time they got smaller and smaller as I disappeared down the road and over the hill.

I pull out my cigarettes and light one up. I wasn't about to light one up in front of the jarheads. You never know which asshole was going to be gung ho and recite to me Rights and Responsibilities of a military man in uniform. Shyt, they have ashtrays in government vehicles, why couldn't I smoke? Then again, at that time our dungarees had four pockets and we weren't supposed to put our hands in any of them. I know. What kind of shyt is that? So anyway, I was feeling real evil right then for some reason. I found myself hoping that they didn't know the number to the ship and that it would be forever before they returned. I even wanted them to get dragged by teams that they went there to compete against. Just evil shyt. I should have known something was going to happen.

It's an hour later and I am fuckin' lost! I took a wrong turn somewhere and everything outside the windshield was something new to me. I glanced at the upcoming road sign to see if I can make sense of it.

What the f*ck was that!!!! Even if I wasn't going 50 miles and hour I couldn't figure that shyt out!!!

Am I heading toward the Gaza Strip, I wondered? I had noticed that in the news they were popping off again against Isreal. Hell, when aren't they? On our second day inport, some Palestinians had thrown some rocks at one of our tour buses as it was driving away. This made me a little reluctant to choose a tour right away, you know? I look down at the ashtray and it was full. I looked at the gas gauge and it wasn't. I had less than a half pack of cigarettes and less than a half tank of gas. As long as my cigarettes didn't run out before the gas did I thought everything was going to be okay. I leaned back in the seat and continued on.

I have two cigarettes left. There is a little over a quarter tank of gas and I am starting to get nervous. Damn the whole "I'm a man. I don't need directions" bit- I am going to ask for directions. I could've sworn that I saw a sign that said Bethlehem on it. If that I am where I thought I was then I am about 15 to 20 miles from where I should be. I pull up to what looks like a gas station and in the air I hear sirens going off . Is it an air raid? I look to see that the streets are filled with people in robes all facing one way with their heads bowed.

I wasn't thinking, but you have to understand my situation. I had to use the bathroom, I was hungry as hell, I was almost outta cigarettes, and for first time in my life(NOT) I didn't know where I was going. The first group of people are about 30 yards away from where I park. I walk over slowly to the closest person and tap him on the shoulder. He ignores me. I tap him a little harder and he shrugs me off. I'm getting upset now. This guy is just being rude. I think of tapping him again but then it hits me.

AAAARRRRGGHHHH!!!! I look around and I notice that the reason that all of these people have their heads bowed was because they were praying!!! I feel like a total asshole. As I stand there I wonder, "What do I do now?"
Taking a second to think, I immediately assumed the position and I began to pray to my God. I realized that this wasn't Rome but, "When in (wherever you are) do as (whoever is there with you) does."

I ask God to forgive me for being disrespectful as well as all of my transgressions of all my days past. To please continue to watch over my family and friends back home. I continue to ask him to get me out of this situation that I was in and to...
Wait a minute? Is this guy a Palestinian? Am I goinig to get stoned by this group of 30 individuals the minute they cease praying? Damn!!! Why did I have to go and disrespect them like that? Okay, the van is about 30 yards behind me. I am not long outta high school where during the football season I was clocked at running a 4.67. That was fast then for a big guy. Maybe I still had some left in the tank? Okay I am going to...

I feel a tap on my shoulder. I shyt myself. I get tapped again. I open my eyes to see that it is the same man who I disturbed earlier. The sirens have stopped and a group of six people are standing around me. Shyt! I noticed that I am not totally surrounded and that I could probably bulldoze two of 'em before anyone is able to raise their AK-47's and take a shot at me. I calmed down as I notice that none of them are wearing any weapons. They are looking up and down at me standing there in uniform. I fix my mouth to say something when...

Disturbed: "Yes?"
Me: "Ummmmm, I am sorry to have disturbed you during your prayer but I am lost"

They say something in a language that I don't understand. This goes on for a few seconds before I interject.

Me: "I am trying to get back to Haifa"

More chatter. I am relieved when I see fingers pointing back towards the direction from which I came. That's all I needed. Still feeling a little apprehensive, I start back towards the van while still facing the crowd. They are still pointing and talking amongst themselves as I close half of the gap between myself and the vehicle. I listened for a minute longer before I say a "Thank you" and turn to hop in the vehicle. They wave goodbye and I floor it back to the highway.

Man, that was interesting. I started feeling like a coward because of the way I exited that situation but shyt, I'm still here. I realized that while the side of a bus can bend, my composition tends to break when stones are thrown at it.

My plan changes. I am going to head back in the direction that they pointed, but the first sign of the sea and I am going to get off and hug the shoreline up until I see a ship. After another hour of traveling I come up on our flagship. Now I had been here before but as a passenger. Excited, I stop at an intersection to get my bearings when all of a sudden a city bus drives by and hits my sideview mirror as I begin to drive forward. Scared to death, I pause to see what is going to happen next. As the people embark/disembark and the bus continues on, I start breathing again. I get to the gate just up from where my ship is berthed. Throwing the last cigarette I owned out the window, I park the van and head up to the ship. Its now been 5 hours since I have left and the baskeball team was already onboard. I come up to the quartedeck and I am approached by the new OOD.

OOD: "Where the hell have you been? You have been gone for over 5 hours!! The f*cking basketball team has been back for almost three hours and we were about to send out a message concerning your whereabouts!!!"

Me: "Man, I've never been here before! I don't know where I was, to tell you the truth, but I am sure that I have been to Bethlehem and maybe Nazereth! I think I am going to cancel my tour tomorrow, that's for sure!"

OOD: "Give me the keys!"
Me: "You might wanna fill her up!"

As I walk down to change clothes, I looked back on the events of the afternoon. Wait until I tell my Mom, I thought. My chain of command wasn't pissed at me at all. They claimed that I was just trying to get some time off and took it in stride. It was an experience I won't forget but I have noticed that in the many years since that day, several commands later, I haven't been Duty Driver overseas again. Maybe they did send out a message? I guess the word must be out on me throughout the entire Fleet.
****Flash Message: DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT LET THIS MUH'F*KA BE YOUR DUTY DRIVER. END OF MESSAGE****

Sea Stories #1: Spanky, The Professional Pervert.

2006-03-28T14:57:00.000-08:00

In the Navy we have what we call "Sea Stories". Now these are usually tales, some of them embellished upon to no end, that take place when one is away from home port. It involves situations that have occured either at sea or in a foreign land. As I sit here on watch I have decided that I will share some of mine with you.

***Disclaimer: All of my stories are true...unfortunately. I wish I could doctor 'em up to make me sound like I was the shyt, but that would only take away from the pain that I am trying to share with you.***

This is going to take a minute to set up just so that you can appreciate the story. That being said, bear with me.

It's early in the year 1999 and my ship is visiting Sydney, Australia. It is the last full day of liberty and me and my friends are out in town doing it up. It happens to be a weekend so we are bar and club hopping trying to find something, or someone to get into. We end up at a place called Bourbon and Beefsteak. Now I know what you are thinking. The name sounds pretty wierd, doesn't it? Well it's actually a restaurant that turns into a nightclub after hours. It has since changed it's name to just "The Bourbon" after a much needed renovation. Enuff of the history on that place.

So we have decided that this was going to be our final stop of the night. After traveling all over the city looking for "the club" to be in, we are finally getting tired and eager to spend time in the hotel rooms that we spent over $100 a night to stay in. Surprisingly enough, there weren't many sailors up in the place. There were enough, mind you, but not enough to have to worry about anyone "Charlie Bravo-ing" you.(see also "Cock blocking")

As I look across the dance floor, I notice that there are two females who seem to stand out from the rest. They are enjoying each other on the dance floor and as they spin around I can see that they are rather attractive. I look around the room the see if any of my friends had noticed it also but couldn't catch them anywhere. I did notice, however, another guy from my ship who I knew but didn't never really hung out with too much. He looks at me. I return the look. We both nod and head out on the dance floor. Without having to decide who was going to take which one, we both end up with the female that we each wanted from the start. After dancing for what seemed like an hour, the girls tell us that they have to go home so that they could get some sleep before working later that day. I say later that day because it is 7 a.m. by the time that the four of us walk out of the club.

So anyway, to make a long story short, we ended up going back to their apartment and hooking up. I found out that she was actually from England and was rather pissed that I thought she was Australian. Why? I don't know. Who cares?
She tells me that she is going back to England the following month after being on "holiday" (vacation) over in Australia for just over a year. I tell her that usually a vacation lasts a week or two and that she just plain moved. Well we exchange home and email addresses as well as phone numbers, and part ways. She keeps in touch with me over the years and things are cool. Nothing more than that.

Fast forward four years and once again I am heading over to Australia but on a different ship. I email her and tell her just for the hell of it and find out that she is going to be there around the same time. I ask her if I can use the address of the friend's house that she is staying with so I would be able to take a few days off. You see, my command wouldn't let me go on wacation there unless I had a resident address. She said it was cool and that her friend wouldn't mind at all. She asks me who I was going to be hanging out and if I wanted to invite them over for dinner. Not minding a free meal, I agree and then proceed to pick my "Liberty Buddies".

The first person, who I am going to call Spanky, is a cool, down to earth cat who isn't ashamed of anything. My man has a porno collection the size of most public libraries and doesn't mind bragging about it. The thing that raised my eyebrow, and my concern, was that he had more than his fair share of midget pornos. Never quite understood it but wasn't even about to go there with him.

The second person was from Chicago. I'm gonna call him "Suburb" because I still find it hard to believe that he was from the South Side. He was pretty cool but he really didn't have any game when it came to females. I mean he would be looking at 4th and forever on his own two yard line with 2 seconds on the clock. You got it...

Both of these cats liked to cook so hanging out with them in apartment style hotel rooms was cool. They cooked, I cleaned, and then we all went out to the clubs looking for women.

Okay, so we are tasked with bringing bottles of wine to dinner. We get there a couple of minutes before dinner's scheduled to start and we are met at the door by "Athena". She hugs me and then proceeds to hug the rest of the gang like she has known us forever. We head down the shotgun hallway to the kitchen where introductions are made. A quick glance and I notice that there are 4 guys and 3 females. I already figured that I was going to be okay, but I was worried about my boys.

We sit down to eat dinner, which came out in four courses, and I get a wierd vibe from the one guy who arrived to dinner shorly before us. Three more minutes and I realize that he is indeed gay as hell. So after redoing the numbers in my head I came up with 3 guys, 3 women and 1 homosexual. Looking around the table I noticed that my boys caught it too. They then proceeded to look over the other two women to decide which one they were going to pursue.

As dinner ends and the gay fella leaves, we notice that we are running low on wine.
After a quick run to pick up more alcohol, we are all sitting around the table. We find out that the old, weathered looking female was married and one leg was shorter than the other. That brought the women down to 2. More small talk ensues and we are all having a good ole time. Everyone is comfortable with each other and the conversation is actually pretty entertaining. Well it gets later and the lady of the house says goodnight and limps upstairs. We all sit around a little longer and continue the small talk.

Soon Athena heads to the front of the house to use the computer in the room in which she is staying and I take this as my cue. I get up to follow leaving my boys in the room with "Rose". Now I call her rose because she had beautiful dark red hair. By her face she looked like she was in her late thirties, early forties, but easily had the body of a twenty year old. During the conversation at dinner it came out that she works out a lot. She was attractive and had on a nice outfit that hugged her curves.

As I was putting my chair under the table and following Athena up the hallway, I noticed that neither of my friends were paying me any attention. All eyes were on her as if she were the last turkey leg on the serving dish. I laugh inside thinking, "I wonder how they are going to settle this?", and I turn and disappear down the long dark hallway.

I get into the room only to find Athena checking her email. After talking a little, I find out that after she returned to England in '99, she started dating her current boyfriend and they were talking about possibly moving in together. I try to change the subject REAL quick. Didn't need to talk about anything that would bring his ass back up again. So I try everything I can to get something started with her but she tells me that it wouldn't be right. Still I push on. After a couple of minutes her story starts to change and just as I am kissing her on the neck...SMACK!!

Athena: "Did you hear that?"
Me: "Hear what?"
Athena: "I thought I heard something coming from the kitchen."
Me: "I didn't hear anything."

SMACK!!!

Athena: "I know you heard that!"
Me: "I swear I didn't hear anything!" (Quietly wondering what the hell that was)
Athena: "I know I heard something. I going back in there!"
Me: "Look I didn't hear anything. Stay in here with me. We gotta a lot to catch up on."
Athena: "Alright. So..."

SMACK...SMACK...OOhhhhhhh!!!

Athena: (Looking at me like she just knew I heard that) "Let's get back in there!"
Me: (DAMN!) "Aiight. I heard it that time but I am sure that everything's alright. Those are grown people in there." (All the while I am wondering just what the hell is going on in there. Didn't really care because I was trying to get my party started.)
Athena: "Well we are going back in there!" (She grabs my hand and we exit the room. Damn!!!)

Well, I am pissed. I watch her walk in front of me down the hallway. She has on low waist jeans with a thong showing out the back. A nice butt for a Caucasian woman from jolly ole England. I am pissed at these guys because I am sure that if I had a minute more that I coulda been...

She stops suddenly at the threshold of the door leading into the dinning room.

Athena: "Oh My God! What the f*ck is going on in here?"

I pause for a second. A myriad of possible situations go through my head. None of them good. Of course that would depend on how she was taking it. Finally I gather the courage to catch up to her and look over her shoulder to find Spanky with his pants halfway down beating it up, spanking the hell outta Rose until her right ass cheek was Beet red. She is leaning over the dining room table with her head inches away from Suburb's lap. I go back in the hallway, lean my back on the wall and slide all the way down to the floor. We were only gone less than ten minute! Were we the one's holding the party up?

Athena: "I'm not even upset, but I just want to know what the hell are you doing? (Pointing over at Suburb)

I come back in and look at Suburb only to find him twiddling his thumbs and returning her confused stare. With Spanky having Rose bent over the table with her head near Suburb's waist as he was sitting in the chair, it was painfully obvious to me what they were doing. Spanky pulls his pants up. Rose pulls up her pants and underwear, and Suburb continues to twiddle his thumbs.

Rose was obviously three sheets to the wind and Athena catches her as she stumbles. She gets her to the steps and I head back into the dining room.

Me: "What the hell are you doing?"
Spanky: "Man, I saw you go with ol' girl to the back room so I said, 'F*ck it'!"
Me: "And what were you planning on doing sitting there twiddling your thumbs?"
Suburb: "Man, Spanky grabbed her and started playing with her breasts (Yeah, like that's the word he used) and pulled her pants down and started hitting it from the back. I saw her head getting closer to me so I pulled my pants down and was about to stick it in her mouth until I heard ya'll coming down the hallway."

Then they both looked at me like I blew it for letting Athena come out of the room. I felt, for a moment, that it was my fault but that soon subsided.

Well Spanky goes to look in on Rose as Athena comes out of the stairwell leading upstairs. Shortly after the sounds of ass slapping resume and I start feeling sorry for Rose's ass cheeks. Athena is laughing at Rose who is telling Spanky he hits too hard. I'm trying to get Athena back in the room but she is having too much fun laughing at what is currently going on. I realize this is her way of trying to stay faithful so I let it go...for now. Suburb takes this time to pull his pants up thinking that no one is paying him any attention. This continues for twenty minutes.

With them having to get up early in the morning, and Spanky and Suburb having duty the next day, the party ends. As we are escorted out of the house, Athena tells me she is going to spend the day with me tomorrow since I would be without the fellas. I figure we would have our time since I would be the only one in the apartment so I am not too upset. I'm thinking that I can wait until tomorrow. Hell, it was still a fun night regardless. The guys head out the door first and as I turn around to Athena she plants a kiss on me that changes my mind. I'm thinking about right now! A few seconds go by and she hears Rose in the front dry heaving and tells me to hold on. As she heads back into the house, I stand in the door and tell Spanky and Suburb to go on without me. They looked puzzled until I damn near had to yell, "LEAVE!", before they got the hint.

Athena comes back to the door as they disappear from sight. She asks where they are and I tell her that they left without me. She kisses me again and I try to push myself in the house but she stands firm. She tells me that she shouldn't due to the fact that she cares for her boyfriend back home and doesn't want to cheat on him. The last kiss that she gives me says otherwise and we start backing into the door when...

Spanky: "Are you going to be alright, man? I just wanted to make sure that you knew how to get back to the room and everything?"

A chill runs down my back. Athena takes the form of a rock, impregnable and unyielding.

Athena: "I thought they left you? Liar. I will call you tomorrow."

She closes the door, almost catching a part of me in it. I could only see death in my eyes. I hear my shirt begin to tear! My heart is beating at a pace that hints at exploding. My shoes pop off and I have the taste of blood on my tongue.

I let out a growl as I spin around expecting to pull both of their heads back like PEZ dispensers only to find...

...they aren’t there anymore. Good for them. My heartbeat starts to steady. I am still breathing heavily when I start to wonder what has just happened to me? More importantly…where did I get these gay ass green Levi’s???

(Okay, the last part isn't true.)

Women. You can't live with 'em, and replacing them with sheep would be so wrong!!

2006-03-27T19:58:00.000-08:00

I have been wrong about many a thing in my life, you have only to look at my ball cap to figure that one out, but I can tell you one thing that I am certain of. Women have been put here to hold us down!!!! Yeah, I expect to catch the wrath of my female friends, but I had to say it! I have been holding this in for far too long.

If you read the post underneath this one there are at least two examples that I can draw from. Women, while a necessary part of God's plan for us to procreate, have brought down many a valiant hero. Take Sampson for instance. He succumbed to Delilah's female charms and ended up blind and with a new haircut.

You got every right to be pissed, off dawg. Now tear some shyt up!!!!

Women have been known to start fights. How many times have you personally seen people argue over a female? How about Helen of Troy and the Trojan War? How can a married woman leave with someone else and standby idly as two countries go to war over her infidelity? Remember what happened to these poor bastards? If they knew then what I know now they would probably both go grab some beer together instead.

But wait a minute!!! Take a look at the Good Book. Who was the first one to mess it up for all of us? You got it! Eve. What the hell was Adam thinking? Here you are running through the Garden of Eden butt naked without a care in the world and you give all that up just for a woman.

"Taste the apple Adam. What? I know He said not to but are you going to be a punk all of your life? I need a strong man. What do you mean you are the only one I have to choose from? Well, whatever. I need someone who makes his own rules and who isn’t afraid to live a little.”

And what happens after he eats it? He starts fucking dying. So much for living a little! Thanks to her ass we all gotta suffer. What happens next? Adam gets kicked out his house, starts feeling funny running around naked, has to make it on his own with no help from Dad, and she ends up getting pregnant! Now you got brothers killing brothers, sickness and famine running rampant. It’s total anarchy and it's all her fault.

Okay, so I am a little upset. I guess the story that my man told to me yesterday really pissed me off. Here we are at the beginning of what could be a long deployment and his wife threatens to leave him over some “he said, she said” shyt. What kind of shyt is that? We are already going into harm’s way and now he has to deal with this. It’s no wonder his job performance is slacking. How can a man who loves his wife be able to concentrate when there is basically no way that he can pick up the phone to talk to her? Who knows if she is reading his emails? He is basically stuck with no way out. He doesn’t know if she is going to be there when he gets back. He has no idea what she is doing, because we all know how vindictive women can be. I don’t know. I guess I feel for him.

Okay, I have calmed down a little. For the record, I can’t see a world without women in it, but I just don’t like the part that they play. They have too much power and control over us. They can drive us crazy if we let them and for some unknown reason, we usually do. I hate that because men are supposed to be the ones who think things out logically. It’s women who are driven by their hearts. I have to admit that some of my better friends are women. I think the reason that we get along so well is because we either haven’t had sex yet, aren’t planning to have sex with each other, or that we just aren’t attracted to each other. You have to reach a certain place in your life where you can do that, I think. To be able to hang out with the opposite sex and not even think about what the hell it would be like to flip ‘em over a couple of times or wonder what their “Ohhhhhh” face looks like. Only a couple of females have reached that point with me. Others, unknowingly, have been flipped many times over and over again in my head. But let’s get back to the point. What exactly is the power that a woman has over a man that will make him do stupid shyt? That will cause his world to crumble with only her saying a few words to set him on that path of self-destruction? I will continue to search for that answer until the day that I die. Probably crumble a couple of worlds during my quest.

Ummm…at the time of this publishing, my coworker’s wife emailed back and apologized so…uh…I guess everything is all good, right? Wrong!!!!! He’s happy now but this just goes on to prove my point. What I am wondering is what made her apologize? Did she go out this weekend and retaliate? I find it hard to believe that she realized the error of her ways. Something isn’t being said. See, now I am upset again.

Share it with me...if you must.

2006-03-26T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sybok: "I couldn't help but notice your pain."
Evil Sybok Twin:(Caught off Guard) "My Pain?"
Sybok: "It runs deep. Share it with me!"
(Sybok then lunges at his evil twin and they go at it)

Now I am not a Trekkie by any means. Hell, even Tupac quoted this in his song on the Above the Rim Soundtrack entitled "Pain". The reason I am using this here is to make a point. I don't know, but I am trying to find out, why people come to me to talk about their problems? Now I would understand if it were friends of mine, my ear is always open to them, but I am talking about people period. I am saying this because I am screwed up in the head as it is. I don't deal well with the problems befacing me, yet I have everyone coming up to me dumping their load on me. This, in turn, makes me concerned about what is going on with their situation while adding more stress to my already complicated life.

For instance, I am sitting at Pool and Pizza several months ago and a female who happens to be on my ship sits down to talk to me. Now the reason that she sits down to converse is because she felt sorry for me. Okay, let me back up. I walked in wit a female friend, who just so happened to be attractive, to meet another mutual friend of ours who was back in town visiting. Now he hugged her and then they engaged in conversation and was having a good ol time. I was too, but maybe it wasn't written on my face. Unbeknownst to me, there were a lot of people from my boat who saw me walk in with her and they were admiring her beauty. Well the aforementioned female who sat down to talk to me actually thought that my friend had "taken" her away and she felt compelled to come and keep me company.

Now this girl and I don't even talk when we are approaching each other down the narrowest of passageways at work so why she feels that she was the right person to keep me company, I couldn't tell you. Well what happened next startled the hell outta me. She engages in small talk for a few minutes and then leans forward and kisses me on the cheek. What was going through my head as she was leaning in?
"What, is there something in my nose? Why isn't she saying anything? Is she trying to smell my cologne? I know this bitch didn't just kiss me!!!!!"
She later said that she was trying to make my friend jealous. Why, I don't know. The woman is about as far from attractive as you can possibly be. I look around to see if anyone witnessed what just happened and then I start to cry. I felt violated. Her only saving grace was that she was a little drunk and I soon was able to see that. She then proceeds to tell me about her life story and the problems that she is having with her grossly enlarged vericose veins. Yeah, my two friends are laughing and talking about old times and here I am listening to someone telling me how they can hardly walk due to pain stemming from some gross ass vericose veins popping out the side of her legs!!!! I listen. I mean, that's what I do, but I am pretty pissed off that I am stuck in this situation. As she continues on and tells me about a similar situation with her mother, I start to feel sad.

My friends are having a good ass time together and I am stuck on the other side of that table about to cry because this poor girl, who could possibly be stuck in a wheelchair for an indefinite period of time, is beating me about the head with some pretty f*cked up stories. Whatever happened to trying to make her jealous? Get your ass underneath the table and hum a little or something. This is f*cked up!!!!Well when she finishes she realizes that she has to leave. As we say goodbye she acts as if she is walking away but then leans in again, this time I didn't even see this one coming, she kisses me again on the damn cheek!! It was one of those, "Oh I forgot something" moves. You know, you walk away from the table and then you lean back and grab your cigarette lighter? Yeah, one of those. I am angry right about then.

Anyway, what prompted this particular blog? Well a coworker of mine, whom I respect just about the most outta all of my peers, came to me yesterday while I was talking to Ace and Snake (read prior blogs if you don't know who they are) on the fantail of the ship. The fantail is the aft most (toward the rear) weatherdeck of the ship where smokers congregate during the daytime hours. As he walks up to me and shakes my hand, we greet and I continue to listen to whatever bullshyt is coming outta Ace's mouth at that particular moment. Well straight for the jugular he goes!! "Man, my wife's talking about leaving me." Whoa. Pump the breaks buddy!!!!
"What are you talking about?", I ask. And then he fills me in on what was happening with him. It was all due to a misunderstanding but, being that we are several thousand miles away, it was something that he couldn't really handle right away. All he could do was email and try to straighten things out. Unfortunately for him our email has been up and down since we left Sydney. The sad part about it is that it's affecting his job performance. I hate to see that happen to someone who has all the tools and is ready to put on the next higher rank.

So what do I say? How do I console this guy, I mean I am not married. A simple, "F*ck you and thanks for the years", wouldn't sit well in this situation. I tell him that you need to start with figuring how this information got back to her because that is the root of your problem right there. If you only went out one day and didn't even stay overnight then whoever is telling her otherwise needs to be dealt with. He seems shook, so I continue to hear him out. He's telling how it all went down but mainly focused on the "I didn't do anything man. She's had a history of dealing with cheating boyfriends and ex-husbands who have done her wrong so that doesn't help." I wanted to walk away right then and there. I didn't have anything for him. I felt anger well up inside me and I knew that I would tell him that his wife's issues are the problem.

It's sad when things like that happen when you are out to sea because all you can do is just worry. You can email and try to fix things up but then your mind gets to wondering what she might be doing back home. Is she going to be there when I get back? Is she screwing someone else just to get back at me for the alleged infidelity on my part? How will I know?

I have had an incident where a woman has destroyed to career of a guy who worked for me. We were supposed to be out for two months and he was recently married to a woman with 2-3 kids already. Despite warnings from friends and coworkers who felt that she was trifling, he married her anyway. Then the problems began. She loses her job and that strains them financially. When we are little more than a week into the two month underway period she emails him and tells him that she can't deal with the separation. She also tells him that she believes marrying him wasn't a good idea. After that his performance started circling the drain. He gets drunk the first night inport and threatens to kill himself.

Oh, the point? Well during his drunken stupor when he had threatened to kill himself, who do you think they called down to talk to him? Yep...me! As I walk in he immediately begins to cry. I guess the disappointment on my face was too much for him to bear. I give him a half-hug and settle him down so he can sleep it off. I wanted to tell him that he deserved what he got for marrying that chick, but couldn't find the nerves to do it with all the people that were present.The command, in an unprecedented move, sends him back home to straighten his shyt out. Big mistake.

When we return to Hawaii, he's happy for a while and everything seems fine until the next scheduled underway period. What do you think happened then? Yep. They pull the ole "We are having problems again" routine. Well he eventually gets out of the Navy for whatever reason and has found a good job back on the east coast. All is well with him and now he is making almost twice as much doing the same thing he was doing in the military. He played it like a fiddle.

This seems to happen a lot for me. If I am going to perform the duties of a psychiatrist then I would like the pay. I can be as forthcoming with my opinions as necessary to set whomever straight but don't burden me when I am getting nothing in return. Maybe I should write a column or start a talk show. That would be the shyt.

Today on the "Huggy McFeely Show, 'Trifling Ass Females and the Dumbasses Who Love them'".

So Who's Covering My Six!?!?

2006-03-18T04:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, once again the setting is Sydney, Australia. The place, the Hilton Sydney. Now this is a pretty good hotel. If I am not mistaken, it is listed as a 4 1/2 to 5 star hotel on most reviews. Along with me are six of my comrades. Now two of these guys have never been to Sydney before and are excited to get out and see what there was to see. The rest of us have journeyed here at least once during our travels and pretty much know what there is to do here. Every time that I come to this place the agenda has been to pick up women. I am not saying that Australian women are easy...just EASIER. They come in all races from Aussie, South African, Greek mixed with something, Asian, etc. What I should be getting at is that they are very friendly. I might have mentioned this in one of my earlier blogs but I felt that this was the time to reiterate that fact.

My story starts in a club. My friend, let's call him "Ace", was walking around and checking the scene to see who tonight's victim was going to be. All the while, I am on the dance floor having a good time. I soon realized that I am doing everything that I said I wasn't going to do. My intentions were to come here and see the other side of Sydney. This will have been my third time here and I haven't seen a Koala Bear or even a Kangaroo at all. Previous trips were just me chasin' females like there was no tomorrow. I finally gave in and commenced to drinking and stayed awake by dancing with the locals. Well I get a tap on my shoulder and turn around to see Ace pointing to a group of women at a table in the corner. He had previously been over there and was bringing me back with him for support. In a sense I was playing the supporting role of Maverick, while he was taking the point as Iceman (See TOP GUN )

As we journey over to the table I quickly realized that everyone sitting there were beautiful as hell. You know the kind of beautiful where you sit back and be like, "Damn!!!" Well I sit down and introductions are made. By this now I am feeling good as hell and before you know it I have been on the floor with about 3 of the 4 women. We were just dancing and having a good time, nothing more. This is probably about the point where we switched roles as Wingmen. Somehow I was flying point. Unprompted, one of them hands me her number so that I and a couple of my friends can meet them tomorrow for a cookout. Now this cookout is like 40 miles outside of the city and I was told that it was going to be more like a family get together. When I heard the distance and realized that we had to take a cab, I pretty much knew that we weren't going there, especially since we had duty the next day. I take the number and put it in my pocket anyway.

So some time later the club closes. I go to look for Ace and he is talking to an older looking lady. I am thinking, "Whoa, it can't be that bad, can it?" So she has a friend with her also. I recognized her as the young lady who marked us off on the guest list when we arrived. I get a look from Ace and once again I take my place as the wingman. I'm telling you, I'm a champ at this...sometimes.

Now, I really only wanted to go back and get to sleep. I was tired as hell for some reason and didn't really feel like going through the whole cat and mouse thing. So eventually we all leave the club in a cab and head back to what we thought was the hotel to talk and drink a little. Well they party just about all night in Australia and we weren't going to the hotel after all. We pull up to another club that I remembered from my last trip to Sydney. I remember it distinctly because I believe I pulled a female outta there in a personal best record time of 28 minutes. Who do I see when we pull up? Three of my four other companions that are staying at the Hilton. We get out of the car and the woman that I was keeping company ventures over to talk to one of her friends. All three turn and look at her and then back at me looking puzzled as hell. She was fine, beautiful in fact. I just shrugged my shoulders.

Now the whole time Ace was trying just a little too hard to get his girl back to the hotel. I hadn't said much to the person who I was supposedly with and I was getting pretty tired. I am told that I can sleep anywhere and...I do. I was still good to go for a little while, though. I glanced at my boys for a second and as I look back, Ace, my liberty buddy, is hopping back in a cab. All the while he was cursing and saying something like, "Let's go. 'F' this and that" I look at him like, "What the hell?" Now my friends who were standing outside the club when we pulled up were looking like, "What the hell is he doing?" I was like, "I don't know."

He got me into this, and for some reason the females were still going to hang but it was obvious that he was out for one thing. I mean, I am sure he would have gotten it but he displayed zero patience. So me, being the good liberty buddy that I am, just hops in the cab with him. You see, being in the military, especially when deployed overseas, you can't be out around town by yourself. There is a chance that, if caught, you risk getting restricted to the ship. I wasn't going out like that. I mean, I could've blended in with my friends that were already there but then that would have left him alone.

Now one of the fellas, whom I will refer to as "Snake", for reasons that will probably be explained in a Blog in the near future, basically starts rubbing his hands together and makes a mad dash for the female I left behind just as soon as I close the car door. You see the club that they were standing outside of was closed and they hadn't pulled anyone out of there. I look at the females looking at us in amazement as we drive away. For some reason it cut me deep to find out the next day that "Snake" ended up bringing the girl I was talking to back to the hotel and spending the night with her. She said that since I left her and he was the first one to talk to her that she was interested in, she would hang out with him. She also informed him that they weren't feeling Ace anyway. No harm done, I guess.

As we drove away from the women, Ace tells me that he wasn't going to put in that much work for a female and that she was being too difficult. I found out later that she just wanted to hang out a little longer. Oh yeah, another one of my friends, whom I will call "The Audi King", brought his girl back to their room and introduced her to the headboard, the ceiling, and the soft, fluffy pillows that only Hilton hotels possess.

But the story doesn't end here. As we get out of the cab near our hotel, we go to the all night McDonald's to eat and lo and behold there are two females standing in line preparing to enjoy a late night snack. I am the last to order and as I turn around I see Ace sitting down engaging the women in a conversation. I sit next to one of them, once again unwillingly fulfilling the role as the ever exclusive, often elusive, forever joked about, wingman. This woman is rather tall. She looks okay, but she scares me. So I engage in a normal conversation but I can see that she is feeling me even without me being forward or coming on to her in anyway. She tells me she wants to come back to my room after we were done eating. She stretches and then takes my hand and places it on her breasts. They are nice, but I am wondering what the hell just happened? I glance at my watch. Enter a new personal record...17 minutes!!!!

I look across the table to see how my friend is coming along and I am overcome with smoke and flames. They are overwhelming and are soon encroaching my side of the table. He has crashed and burned. He gets up and says that he is leaving, yet again, and that he would talk to me tomorrow. He tells me to handle my business. Her phone rings and it is her Step father. He says that he is stranded and needs a ride. She asks for my room number, telling me that she will be back in about 30 minutes. I tell her that I will be asleep by then and not to worry about it. She then looks at me for a minute and asks her friend to go pick up her step father for her. Her friends agrees and then, for some reason, starts telling her that her step father will be pissed if she goes and she's not there. I started to think they were running game but I soon realized that ol' girl really wanted to come back to the room. She tries to keep me there a little longer but I tell her I have to go because I am supposed to be off of the streets by 2 am. She tells me that she is going back to the hotel and for me not to leave. Seeing how she already had my name, she would ring me up.

As I catch up to Ace I start thinking about the events of the night. Was I the wingman or him? I mean, he ended up being more like a point guard than a point man. I mean those were two potential assists that, ultimately, he ended messing up. I was dragged into both of those situations and would have been the only one coming up. Ace definitely lost his wings with me. Not closing a deal that HE proposed. Not cool. All I wanted to do was go to sleep. I think I have to re-evaluate the whole "Liberty Buddy" thing next time. I need a closer when we are running the break. Somewhat like James Worthy was to Magic Johnson. Ace commits far too many turnovers for me.

G'Day, my ass!!!

2006-03-14T21:57:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this is my fourth trip to Australia, right? And I am not bad mouthing the people there so don't get me wrong. They greet everyone with a smile and a cordial, "G'Day." But on this particular day, it seemed like the whole damn country was against us. Now I know that we are Allies on the whole "War on Terrorism" thing, but after today I don't know. I wonder sometimes if they really like us. Everyone wants to win and these guys seem to want it more than anyone.

So we arrive into Sydney and after all the hustle and bustle of tying the ship up and hooking up the pier services dies down, an Australian Officer comes to the ship inviting all to participate in the soccer and basketball tourneys that they were putting on. So I, being the basketball coach onboard, am called up to meet her and discuss such things as date, time, and place, etc. All the while I am thinking that we, even though most of them haven't played in a few months, are just going to run through 'em like John Holmes in a 70's porno. So she continues to give me the minor details as I am looking at her up and down as if it didn't matter.

The Day of the Tourney

So as I am standing outside the boat trying to muster up all who claimed that they wanted to be in the tournament, I realized that we have been out to sea for two weeks. Right then I noticed that we are going to probably have about half of the 15 promised to show up. Most would be in their hotels rooms passed out drunk from the night before. Fast forward to the start of the game and I am counting 8 out of the 20 that signed up. So here I am stuck with only two people from the original team that took second place overall at Pearl Harbor. Only those two have had significant time playing together. Nevertheless I was certain that we would still take these cats due to our superior coordination and athleticism. Some of the teams were intergrated with females, old fat out of shape guys, and just plain ol' busters. It seemed like we would walk through with no problem.

Well, my first clue that something was going to go wrong was when the referees that were present informed us that they knew little to nothing about officiating a basketball game. It was pretty obvious by their appearance anyway. I'd say that they were better suited at calling a dodgeball game or a Monopoly Tournament. I brush it off and get my guys in a crip line to practice layups. With good defense, I was sure that layups would be a significant part of our game.

The rules sucked. The first three games in this round robin tourney ran under a continuous 10 minute clock. Yep, the game lasted 10 minutes exactly, regardless of fouls, change of possession, free throws, substitutions...you get the idea. Only the semifinals and the Championship game would be two 10 minute halves with a 2 minute intermission in between. Lastly, the standings were like those in a hockey season. You are placed by Points For and Points Against. There's nothing wrong with that as long as we didn't lose, but they didn't tell us it was going to be like that until the third game. I think it came to us sorta like this, "You guys know that the more points you win by, the better off you are, don't ya?" I'm like, "Thanks for tellin' us now, Mate!" If I would have known that some of the cats on my bench would have never played. There were also no timeouts, and to substitute players you had to either signal the refs or change lineups like they do in hockey, on the fly. I was totally lost for a moment but, once again, if I was told this then this wouldn't have been a problem. There were only six teams but the whole tournament would eventually last almost six hours!! By the way, of the two American ships in Sydney at that time, we were the only one to enter this prestigious tournament.

As we are observing the first team we are about to play during the shoot around, we noticed that they had a guy that was at least 6'7" and uncoordinated as hell. Have you ever played Madden Football on any video game console and noticed how the players ran when they were returning to the huddle? Well I think that he was the poor guy that they decided to motion capture. It was funny as hell to me because I always thought that to move like that was physically impossible. You could slide a two comic books under his vertical. I swear that he couldn't hop on the curb if he had to. Moving on...

So my team is draggin' ass for the first five minutes, as expected. I was calling each one of those bastards everything but a child of God. Finally they turned up the defensive intensity the last 4 minutes of the game. Skippy, the Australian 6'7" Center, had about 8 points and 80 rebounds but we won handedly. Safe to say, he won't make the National Team.

Fast forward to the Semifinal matchup and we are going against a team that we have already beaten. We start out playing well and quickly got off to a sizable lead until suddenly, as if they all had previously talked it over, they stop playing defense again. All day the Aussies had been driving the lane against us and I am certain that if I had rice paper it would've held up better. I looked down the court on one occasion and saw my center draped in a matador outfit complete with beret and the traditional red cape. Every now and then a very faint, "Ole" could be heard from underneath the basket. Somehow we escaped that game by one point. The officiating was horrible, and very one sided. One referee under our opponent's goal was blowing his whistle with reckless abandon, while the referee under our basket had his whistle, as well as his head, stuck up his ass. They were beating the hell out of my guys and not getting any calls, yet the slightest touch on them and they were heading to the free throw line. I was stewing and yelling until I almost lost my voice, but to no avail.

What I did notice was that when we were playing any of the five Aussie teams, the gym would erupt everytime an Australian made a basket. I mean it would make you shyt your pants if you weren't prepared for it.

As we waited to start the Championship Game, I am standing in the lobby looking at the Championship Plaque. It consists of the names of all the previous Australian Armed Forces Units who finished first in the tournament throughout the years. Then it hit me. No American Units inscribed on the plaque anywhere!! Were we the first to ever enter this tournament or were the others cheated out of it just like they were trying to do to us???

My moment of clarity didn't truly arrive until right before the buzzer to start the game. I looked over to our opponent's bench and I noticed the best players from just about each of the five teams, some that we had beaten convincingly, were suiting up to play against us. What offended me was the fact that they weren't trying to hide it. They were switching jerseys on the bench right next to me! I looked to the lady running the tournament and I asked her for an explanation.

"We're just trying to make it fair. This is the Championship game. You boys still should win though."
I tell her in a nice way, "Ummmm...this is bullshyt!! You wait until the final game? My boys are tired. We have been underway and no one has really ran since October and you tell me that you are trying to make it fair?"
I wait for an answer. We stare at each other for about thirty seconds. She blinks. I walk away.

I go over to tell the guys what is painfully obvious to all of us already.
THEY AREN'T GOING TO LET US WIN THIS TOURNAMENT!!
They all contend that it doesn't matter who they put on the floor. We came this far and we are going to get our name inscribed on that damn plaque out front. I tell them, "Just don't let this game fall into the referee's hands. If you do then it's over." I go back to the bench and was aware that the referees weren't the same awful people that started the game. No, it's far worse. The officiating crew is comprised to two members from a team that we had beaten earlier. I look again at the tourney director. We stare at each other for ten seconds. All of her pieces are in play. Whenever my guys hit the court it's five on seven right off the bat.

Once again the calls are one sided. Somehow we manage to get to halftime with a 6-1 lead. I know, we only scored six points in 10 minutes! The overall score was a testament to our defense, which we must have received in the mail after the semifinal game. Those guys played their asses off the first ten minutes of that game. Then the bottom dropped out.

During the second half, a female ref who couldn't play very well herself, calls "Carry" when my guy does a hesitation dribble. I don't know if that made it over to this side of the pond or not but the move was definitely legal. I look at the score and it is locked up 12-12. The clock is continually going. One of my guys drives to the lane and he gets raped. No call. One of their guys takes the ball to the basket and my center breathes on him. Foul!!! My 2 guard goes to the rack and I witness the most fiendish clothesline ever seen on RAW!!! No call. Then for the next couple of minutes my guys forget how to defend. I look down there only to find that three of the five guys are now wearing the matador uniforms. The bulls, that are the Australian players, are finishing layups at will. I begin to cry. It's slipping away.

10 seconds on the clock, the score is 17-17. We inbound the ball down court to our power forward who gets body blocked. He stumbles and they call "Travel." I look over at the ref and she just dismisses my penetrating stare. We get a turnover and head back down court only to rush a shot that would have put us ahead by two points. After the Aussies rebound the ball they are pushing it up racing against time. Surprisingly all of my guys get back and set up on defense. Every pass is contested, every man covered. One of the Aussie guards drives to the free throw line where he is met by my man from Houston. They both go up. My guy goes up a little higher, naturally, and blocks the shot clean. A whistle blows. I look to the referee at mid court and realized that she didn't blow the whistle. To my dismay and utter disappointment, the call comes from underneath the basket. I lose it. I'm livid at this point. I start yelling like I was Rollie Massimino, the old Villanova coach. Bobby Knight would've been proud.

"How can you make that call? You are not in position to make that call. The block was clean and because of where you were standing, ole girl should have had the call!!!! Your f*ckin jersey is too f*ckin' tight, you fat sonuvabitch!!!!" Okay, I didn't say the last part but I was thinking it. He ignores me, the gym goes crazy and with no time on the clock, the score tied 17-17, the Aussies get the two foul shots. Sink one and the game is over. He makes the first one and our hearts drop.

"But they cheated!" "This is bullshyt!" "It's not fair!"
That was all that could be heard coming from my group as they walked off the court in dismay.

Yes, they did cheat. It was painfully obvious that there was no way that they were going to put an American Navy Ship's name on a Plaque laden with Australian Military commands on the front. It was already written. The only thing that stuck out in my mind were those words that I preached to my guys right before they took the court. "Don't leave the game in the referee's hands." They did, and what I feared would happen came to pass. The players from the team that "won" couldn't even look us in the eye as we walked off the court. They knew what was going on and I am sure their victory was that much more bittersweet.

I have never been to the Olympics, but I now know a glimpse of the feeling those people get. Yeah, I know, it was only one country we were up against but damn!!! It was just me and my boys and only two people to cheer us on, against what felt like the entire country of Australia. I witnessed a team cheer for the team that kicked thme out of the semifinals while they were playing us. I am not lying when I say that every time a point was scored that the gym roared in celebration.

The irony of it all is that our Secretary of State, the Honorable Condeleeza Rice, was in town to promote diplomatic unity between the US and Australia. I wonder what she would have thought if she would have visited our ship a day earlier and caught the game? "Sever all ties with these bastards now. Jim, start the car", is probably what she would've echoed and I would have been all for it. But hers is another story...

The Liberty Buddy

2006-03-11T03:42:00.000-08:00

Those of us in the Navy, hell, most of the Armed Forces, are quite familiar with this term. Your liberty buddy is the person(s) that you sign out with prior to leaving a ship, usually in a foreign port, thereby stating that you will be leaving and returning with this particular individual. Each person is expected to keep the other out of trouble and return safely back to the ship together. Now the key to finding a good liberty buddy is to know at least some of the things that he/she likes to do. Hopefully you have had enough time where you know the people that you are considering as possible liberty buddies, because having a deadbeat with you that wants to go back to the ship early when the real fun is just beginning just sucks!!! If this does happen, you have to quit what you are doing,escort him back to the boat, and find another liberty buddy just so you can go back out into town. Things like this can pretty much mess up a night. That's why you have to choose wisely. In this case "one monkey does stop the show!"

Now the word that we got is that it would "behoove us" not to be that guy who gets into trouble and messes it up for everybody. You know, all the people onboard, the whole battle group, our country's image...you know, nothing major. I do have to skip the particulars, but you should get the idea. I am going to partner up with my friends Malik, Bartholomus, Khary, and Clem. Now this should be very interesting because we are all a different breed in our own right. Each of us would probably react to a particular situation differently. I am sure the outcome would be the same regardless. Now one thing that we were told is that the locals are always right. No matter what happens, if there is a problem and we didn't walk away from it, it's our fault. What raised my eyebrow was that it's not just the person who was directly involved, but his liberty buddy too!!!! Once again you have to choose your buddy wisely.

Now I'm talking to my friend Malik and he asks me, "Nev, what are we going to do if someone comes up and slaps us in our face, or hits me in the back of the head while I am backing down and walking away? You know I can't just let some shyt like that happen. I'm gonna be throwing and you better help!" I was pretty much thinking to myself, "Damn, what did I get myself into picking this dude? I know that the way my luck has been, if anything like that were to happen it would happen to my ass." I looked at him and said, "Man, if it gets to that point then we must have done something wrong. If you feel that you can't walk away without throwing blows and eventually getting both of us in trouble, then if there are six of 'em...there will be seven pairs of feet stompin' the shyt outta yo ass!!!! I mean, f*ck it! If I am going down anyway because I was here with you, I am going to have fun even though my liberty is circling the drain."

At least while we are in front of the Old Man getting ready to hang from our toenails, I can lean over and whisper in his ear, "Man...we f*cked yo' ass up!!!", and try to hold in the laughter throughout the whole ass chewing, loss of rank ceremony.

Truth be told, liberty buddies are a necessity. It allows us to look out for each other. There is safety in numbers but is can also mean there is that much more shyt that people will get into. I guess you really have to weigh the benefits. I don't think that people should get in trouble for something that someone else did. You can only recommend a course of action which, as it sometimes happens, that person doesn't have to follow. If you or your libery buddy get into it with some foreigners on their soil then it is us who wronged them. No ifs, ands, or buts, about it. Case closed awaiting sentencing. I know that Malik will be an aiight liberty buddy. Sure, he hangs around on the edge and tries to get people to come with him, but when it comes to common sense I know he has plenty of it. All in all, I just wish I was back at home getting ready to hit up Rumours tonight or something.

Seeing the world is fun as hell but there's comfort in your own environment. This deployment is going to be different from the last. A hell of a lot different. With a new regime comes new rules. That's how it is everywhere. What can you do other than understand the rules and play within the guidelines? I've been doing it for thirteen years so why stop now?

Pimpin' All Over The World.

2006-03-08T02:17:00.000-08:00

It never fails. We are underway on a deployment and the only thing that most of my brothers think about is who, and how many, females they are gonna hit in these foreign ports.

I can't really talk because when I was a young sailor visiting Haifa, Israel, while on a tour of Jerusalem...the Holy City now, I was wondering what I was going to get into that night. Wondering where the women congregated after hours and all of that. You would be surprised to know that there are some fine women over there. Anyway, what I am trying to say is that it took a phone call to my Mom during the tour to make me realize where I was and what I was actually doing. She made me focus on the fact that I never dreamed of ever visiting these places. Here I am in Jeruaslem, a place I read about only in the Bible during Sunday school, and I am thinking about ass!!!! I had to beg for forgiveness. I visited the place of The Last Supper, The Wailing Wall, Massada, The Church of the Rock where I touched the slab that they laid Jesus' body on, and a couple of other places. She opened my eyes. And now I turn my attention to these cats on my ship.

I have to admit that in most countries outside the States it is very easy to meet a woman, take them to your hotel room and go at it. Very easy!!!! I blame that on the men of that country though. They really don't pay the ladies that much attention. But the idea of sex to them seems more like an activity, one where your heart doesn't come along to play. I often believed it was incorporated into every date that they go on. While I am not against being an ambassador of my country and spreading Diplomacy, if that is in fact her name (Heh Heh), I must admit that I have grown to the point where that isn't my main focus. There are a lot of things to do in these places we visit and I am going to make a point to venture out and partake in some of the activities. I hope my brothers open their eyes and see me on this one. If not, just strap it up and have at it. Maybe it will sink in and they will come around on the next tour. That just didn't sound right for some reason.

And like that...(SNAP)...he was gone.

2006-02-25T19:20:00.000-08:00

Well it's about that time again. Heading out for another six month deployment overseas. In a way I am kinda excited though. I really want to get this one over with, if not only for the unrest that is poppin' off in the areas that we are going to visit. I know that it is part of the job so what can you do? I signed up for this, right?

I was sitting here thinking, "What am I going to miss?"
-Well I am definitely going to miss hangin' out with J. That is probably the only real thing that comes to mind. The whole catering to her "Princess Moments" and shyt. Nah, I will miss the football games and the times that she used to come over and cook for me and the boys. Good times!

-Basilio's leaving, so I guess I will miss the comedic exchanges between us. The calls, or IMs, when Illinois gets beat and things of that nature. Fair winds and following seas, Basilio! Good luck back in that hell hole you call home! Down with the Longhorns!

-Gonna miss hangin' out with V. Yep...gonna miss that. Good times!!

-Gonna miss getting on Myspace and Yahoo messenger to chat with Ash. I say that even though she has been ignoring me the past few weeks. J/K, Ash.

The longer list would probably consist of what I won't miss.
-I won't miss going to Rumours. It is the only club that we have to go to on Fridays. After a while it is just the same ole, same ole. Same music, and what's worse, the same people. I smoke and I get tired of smelling smoke up in the club all of the time. I think San Diego had the right idea when they stopped allowing folks to smoke inside. Gotta think of the nonsmokers every now and then.

-I won't miss the worse drivers in God's creation. I swear the people of Hawaii can't drive. There is at least one accident every morning of every day. To top that off, these people are nosy. It isn't the fact that there is an accident up ahead that is blocking the way and slowing traffic down. Noooooo! It's the people rubbernecking their asses off while talking on the phone giving a play by play, that clogs the road up for us. Get your ass in the wind so I can get my ass to work on time at least once!

I kinda enjoy seeing the world. Been around it a few times and I have a pretty good experience every time I go out. Truth be told, I don't really wanna go this time, but I do know that I will be needed. Got a bunch of new guys working with me and I don't want to see them fail. Honor, Courage, and...what is that other one? Oh yeah...Commitment!!! That's what it's all about people.

Hmmmm

2006-02-22T13:54:00.000-08:00

While I don't update my blogs too often, I realize that I can sorta do a random thoughts type thing. I mean, I still am relatively new to this and don't have much of a following. The first couple of posts were just to get my feet wet. Definitely not a pro like J and her friend, Miguel. These cats have skill when it comes to this. Seeing how I am on watch for several hours at a time and tend to just daydream, I figure I will jot down some things on here just to send my thoughts somewhere else, you know?

-I often wonder if every stripper, exotic dancer, or whatever the pc name is at this particular point in time, all buy in to the same 5 yr plan? Like J said, I am sure its not every little girl's dream, but if you do it, don't be embarrassed about it. I don't know how many times I have met a dancer that claims that they aren't going to be doing this for a long time. I hear excuses like:

A. "I juss need money to get my boutique off the ground."
B. "I'm just saving up to start my own personal clothing line."
C. "I'm just doing this to get money for school." (I tend to believe this one.)
D. "I only do this for fun. I'm a doctor in my other life."

There is a lot of money to be made in dancing. Don't be ashamed. If you are good you can come out with about $400-500 a night in the seediest of clubs. Add a little prostitution and you might hit six figures a year in no time! Hell, just think of it as art! Nah, but don't be ashamed. I visit those places often with friends and if I'm not ashamed to be there, don't be ashamed to be taking our money. As a matter of fact, we are regulars at this one joint. They often called us...

-If you don't love her, don't marry her. Both men and women cheat. I haven't met one woman yet that can curb her dog! The females are getting bad too, though. I went out with three females in the last year and a half that I found out later were married. One, as I was lying in bed with her! Hell, she was married and 5 weeks pregnant! Just wanted a "friend" until her husband got back from Iraq. I had to get up and leave when I found that out. It was hard...no pun intended. People like that are making it real difficult for us single folks!

-Everyone doesn't have a pretty baby. Stop lying to people when they ask you. Just smile and give the ugly little bastard a "Coochie Coo."

-You don't need five more minutes. If you wake up at 6:55 and your alarm clock is about to go off at 7, get yo ass up! Believe me, I am a master of the snooze button and I try to get as much sleep as I can. What I have found out is that what I get in sleep I pay back in frustration on H-1! But I am Black. I don't want to get to work any earlier than I have to, but if I have a chance to get off early...

-Cast out your opinions with extreme discretion. If I never ask, then I don't value your views too much. That blank look on my face that looks like someone pressed the pause button? Yeah, that's right about the time that I quit listening.

-FTFs need to sign a contract or waiver. If you think you might catch feelings but want to play anyway, put it in writing so I will know. This helps me, and all others who play that way, be more aware of the possible signs. Such rules as "Never ask where I am going, or where I have been", or "Never, ever cuddle with me" should be written in bold. Also, sleep in the other bedroom if you are staying over.

-I'm also tired of going to the clubs where it's 5 dudes to every female. They should start issuing out shields at the door of the f*ckin' swordfest we just paid $20 to enter. Everytime I go I expect to hear the DJ bellow, "Welcome to Medieval Times!"

-When you borrow money from someone, and you live and work with him or her on a ship that is 569 ft. long, eventually your paths will cross. “I’ll get you on payday” can only be used once; after that it’s in the “Big Drink” you go.

-I have come to learn that nowadays everyone I meet was THE SH-T in High School. No waddling around in obscurity for these cats. Everyone was either Prom King/Queen, All-American this, “woulda went to college on a scholarship for (insert athletic/scholastic choice here) but…” C’mon!!! There is nothing wrong with being mediocre at anything. Hell, at one time I wasn’t a very good kickball player.

-Being a man of principle, I would like to say to all of the people that borrow things from me and don’t return them: Your day is coming, buddy! I am missing so many DVDs and CDs that it’s a damn shame. How can I watch “The Chappelle Show, Season 2” without the second disk? That’s just f*ckin’ evil!

-GP, the very fact that you have a vast collection of midget pornos has hereby disqualified you from being my running mate while we are overseas. You need to lie down on a couch and talk to someone in this world a hell of a lot smarter than I. Good luck finding either of those two people.

-I just want to find a woman that would like to sit down and listen to Prince’s Sign o’ the Times CD and the Diamond and Pearls single (both on “repeat”), eat cheese, drink wine and look at the stars. Is that too much to ask??

“Pop Life, everybody needs a thrill...”

Thug Passion

2006-01-27T19:26:00.000-08:00

Now, I told you that I would write something else about "Delta" so here it is. Mind you, she is a very good friend. I think the world of her and respect her to the utmost. As a matter of fact, in a drunken stupor, I told her that I really wanted to be more than friends at one time. Not that it wasn't the truth, just that it wasn't a good time. You know how if you don't say something when you probably should, just leave it alone? Yeah, that was what that was. Alcohol can do that to you. Especially after consuming almost an entire bottle of Grey Goose mixed with splashes of Red Bull. Wings my ass. I was knocked on my ass less than two hours after her arrival to my house.

Anyway, this story takes place almost two years ago. A friend of mine, who people say looks a lot like Tupac, called me asking if I was going out to Rumours (the only club in Oahu that jumps on a Friday night). I told him that I was and that I was bringing my homegirl Delta along also. Immediately he was like, "How does she look?" I told him that she was fine and everything and this piqued his curiosity. He asked that if she was fine why wasn't I was talking to her, and I knew then that he was ready to pounce. I should have said that I was hollering at her, if not only because at that time I was really feeling her, but to protect her from his ass. I succumbed to the truth and uttered a pathetic, "We're just friends". He then said that he was getting dressed and that he was coming over. It was apparent that he was trying to get dibs on her and I can't really say that I was mad at him.

Now this is where things started going bad. Before he came over, Delta and I had a very long, and rather serious conversation about relationships. About how things go wrong, what we were looking for, and how we haven't quite found it. I was feeling closer to her at that time and immediately regretted that technically, just released a hound on her. I don't fault my man, I mean, when you are out there, you're out there. I don't hate on anyone. I just, for some reason, regretted that after what we had shared, that I sorta released a pending storm to which she was unaware of. I guess I just figured that she would see through him and that would be that.

Well, he gets to the house and I introduce the two. When she wasn't looking I caught him glancing at her from head to toe and then looking at me in agreement to my prior description of her. I had the feeling this was going to be a long night. So we continue drinking over my crib, chopping it up a little, all the while stalling until it was time to leave. I went upstairs to get ready and could already hear him striking up a conversation. One thing about Delta, she will talk to anybody. I mean she is just very polite like that. Not saying that his conversation wasn't interesting, but merely pointing out that anyone that would approach her, say, at a club, would get a smile and a polite greeting. This can be mistaken for interest by many people and oft times it is.

Well as it turns out, my boy was still married. Though he was going through a divorce, that didn't matter. Well Delta found out before I did and she was pissed. How she found out, I don't really know. She was noticeably hurt, and very upset at the fact that I would try to set her up with someone who was married. She felt betrayed and utterly disrespected. What did that say about what I thought about her? Here I was supposed to be her friend and...well, you get the picture.

The truth of the matter is I thought he was divorced. That is what I was led to believe. I would not have knowingly done anything like that to disrespect her. Could I tell her this on that particular night? Hell no!!! She was too through with my ass for a while. I mean, me and this dude, along with countless other people who I later found out were married, were running the streets of Australia chasing after women. Imagine how I felt when we returned to the States and I get invited over their house to a BBQ and I realize that these cats are, in fact, "happily married!!!" What do I say to the wife when she engages in a converstation with me?

Wife: What's your name again?
Me: I go by Nev or B.
Wife: Okay, well make yourself at home.
Me: Thank you.
Wife: You're very welcome. How did you meet Jerry?
Me: Oh, I met dude on deployment at a club. He had this fine ass female with him. When I approached the bar he had his face just buried in her cleavage and shyt. Man, after that me and him would run the streets of Sydney trying to hit every bad chick in sight! Ummmm....is this Blue Cheese or Ranch? I only ask because I'm allergic to Blue Cheese. Hello?

Of course there were no conversations like that, but you know what I am saying. I did feel weird and there were several BBQs where that was the case. Me putting a face to another person's wife knowing all of the stuff we were into when we were gone. Hell, they were running around getting into more shyt than the single cats.

Well, it took about a year and a half before she really forgave me for that incident. I mean, we still kicked it, but I knew that was still in the back of her mind somewhere. I guess I just have to do a full background investigation before I ever try to hook any of my homegirls up with my boys again. Hell, maybe I just shouldn't do it at all? Yeah, that would be the safe route, huh?

I got mine, you better get yours!

2006-01-27T13:05:00.000-08:00

Now that line was taken from Bernie Mac's performance on the Kings of Comedy. While he was talking about an orgasm, I am referring to...well, an orgasm, but one achieved by non-coital means.
Now I am sure this has been talked about a lot, blogged about to no end, but the reason I am bringin' this up is due to a conversation that I had recently with one of my best friends.

First let me tell you about her. I have been knowing...well, let's call her "Delta", for about 3 yrs. We really didn't start getting close until about two years ago. We originally met through another friend a year or so prior to my returning from deployment in early '04. Why she wasn't already married and having baby showers every year, I don't know. Beautiful woman with an even more beautiful personality and heart. We hung out a lot, be it going to clubs, or bars or whatever. Hell, I will blog about one other incident regarding her before the day is over. But for now, let's get into the conversation.

She made a statement to me and another friend of mine while we were out on my lanai (balcony, patio...I got you) drinking and smoking a cigarette. Now I don't know why it came out her mouth, or even what we were talking about at the time. Maybe we were talking about relationships or meeting people in the club or bars. I don't remember,anyway, she said that if a guy doesn't like to perform oral sex then he can basically just keep walking. No need engaging in conversation. Not that it would be the key point for her to talk to him, just that if it does progress to sex later on in whatever courtship that might evolve, that it could be an issue. Now I raised an eyebrow and I began to think, "Where the hell did that come from? I wonder what the hell...

is going on...
...in her mind? I'm sorry. Some of those were my thoughts, I'm sure. A certain someone, who for now, we will call "Princess", faked me out on bringing me some Coldstone two days in a row. Yeah, her crown is getting a little too tight. (j/k, J) Moving on, I guess I understood her gripe. I know I expect a female to hook me up, maybe not on the first date, but not too much longer after that. But I know how I feel about doing the same for someone that I really don't know that well. I don't do it! I have to get in real good and know her for a while before I even consider performing that act. I know it ain't fair, but...well, it ain't fair. Don't get me wrong, I like hooking my girl up. Did you see the peaches? Nah, but I just don't make it a habit of burying my face in everyone. Not a good practice.

Now I am sitting here listening to her complaints. They are the usual. Not saying that they aren't warranted, I'm just saying that it is the same argument. I thought that we as men have gotten past the high school stuff. You know, where you sit with your fellas and say something like, "As long as my (expletive) still gets hard, I don't need to eat no (expletive)!"

Well there was this one guy in school who got busted out in the cafeteria by one of his ex-girlfriends about their past bedroom experiences. Apparently he enjoyed going down on her. What's messed up is that I am certain she enjoyed it too, but at this particular moment she felt the need to bust him out in front of all his boys. Now we were all over him. Laughing, joking, and prodding him for the rest of the time we were in High School. Freshmen knew him as "Beaver". I look back on that day and realize, well he was dumb by all conventional means, but he was way ahead of us when it came to that. No wonder his ass didn't stay without a woman for long. I mean, even though he wasn't the best looking cat in the world, he always had someone waiting in the wings. Interesting... I guess we coulda learned something from him.

Hearing Delta express her feelings made me realize that there are people still out there who haven't graduated. Though happily in a relationship now, she still remembered some encounters, I guess. I just never really had that problem. If I didn't want to go down on a female I just fell asleep. But the subject did kinda catch me by surprise. You know, the unspoken,"You do me and I'll do you." I remember some comedian said, "Whoever doesn't get done first, doesn't get done." That might have even been Bernie Mac too. Can't remember but that is sometimes painfully true. How many times have you finished her up and then she cleverly pulls you up and whispers in your ear for you to handle your business? Women are smarter than we could ever be. I usually tell 'em, "In a minute, but you got some business you need to tend to." As for the selfish people out there...I can't hate. If they keep coming back then what you are giving them is enough. If you don't get any callbacks then...well, I guess as long as you got yours...

Sometimes, when I am bored...

2005-12-12T03:09:00.000-08:00

I tend to think about the strangest things. For instance, I am on watch right now and it is about 325 a.m. I am trying very hard to stay awake. My mind tends to wander....

-Q: Why am I so infatuated with this woman?

-A: Easy. Movie scenes from "Dusk 'Til Dawn", "Desperado", and "After the Sunset".

-The movie, As Good as it Gets had so many of the best lines in any movie I have seen so far. It came out in '97 and featured Jack Nicholson, Helen Hunt, Greg Kinnear, and Cuba Gooding. Kinda upset that Cuba took the role because I always liked his roles as a boxer in Gladiators (before the Russell Crowe film), Jerry Maguire, A hard as nails Chief Petty Officer in Men of Honor, and now, as if he was ever threatened to be typecast, he's playing a homosexual. I'm not homophobic anymore, but just didn't think it was the right movie for him. Anyway, here are some of the quotes from the movie that make me laugh.

Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: Easy. I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
-----------------------
Carol: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

-----------------------
Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You overwhelm me...I love you.
Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.
-----------------------
(Sitting in the bar after Carol storms out)
Melvin Udall: Well, it's not right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong thing... Where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you
[gestures to bartender]
Melvin Udall: . No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.

I don't know why, but I like the dialogue between the characters. Moving on...

-If we only use about 10% of our brains, I wonder what would it take to activate or stimulate the other 90%? Telekinesis...now that would be interesting.

-Okay, the Red Sox had their year but when are these guys gonna catch a break? '84, '88, '92, '98, '03...all heartbreak years.

-It's been 20 years already. Time does fly, but wouldn't you like to see something like this again? And all of them were humble. Not a Terrell Owens or Randy Moss on this team. We miss ya, Sweetness! #34, Walter Payton...the only man in the world where it was acceptable to get ran over by a guy wearin' a pair of Kangaroos! How many people had a pair? I sure as hell didn't.

- On a serious note, we lost a great comedian and human being this weekend. A solemn goodbye to Richard Pryor. He inspired many and will never be forgotten. Hope you found the answer to your question, Rich.

Well, time to make the doughnuts. Man, do I wish I could take a bump of some Hen or something. Get the bottle ready, J!